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Are you planning a wedding? Congratulations! There’s no pressure, but you’ll be the center of attention for the whole day, or weekend. And you want your wedding to be the best expression of your tastes, personality, and eternal love for your future spouse, while honoring each of your family and friends. Plus, you’ll probably spend more money than you’ve ever spent on anything before. Good luck!
But please, for the love of all that is sacred and pertains to marriage, please do not Put those expenses towards your wedding party. If I have to hear one more story about a bridesmaid getting into debt for a multi-day bachelorette party in Mallorca that no one else can pay for, I’ll eat that wedding invitation myself. Sure, traditions are changing, but it’s never appropriate to ask your loved ones to foot the bill in the name of loyalty. Here’s a guide on what you can and should never ask others to pay for, and how to do it.
Before you even start planning your wedding (and who’s going to be there), agree with your future spouse and their families about who’s going to pay for everything, and roughly how much it will cost. “Having an open discussion about money will set the tone not just for your wedding, but for your entire marriage,” says Allison Kalman, head of brand marketing and strategy. Zola“Remember, your goal is to come to the negotiating table with respect and gratitude, not expectations or a sense of entitlement.” (For more advice on discussing money with your partner, click here.)
Try to treat money as a tool that allows you to do more than limit you, she adds. “That energy will then transfer to your wedding party, guests, and everyone else involved.”
Not sure how to ask your parents or loved ones? Eh?Pay for Your Wedding Vision, Here are some helpful phrases, Courtesy of Lizzy Post, Host Great Etiquette Podcasts Co-chair Emily Post Institute: “You can say, ‘I’d love to talk to you about your wedding budget and see if there are any resources you can offer. If not, that’s totally fine. I can help you know where to start and what to plan for.'” Plus, do If you want to contribute but it comes with conditions, be sure to check those conditions before accepting.
Post adds that she doesn’t want to assume anything or put a price tag on participation: “Modern etiquette is to have an open conversation, discuss your goals and dreams as a couple, and balance that realistically with the resources you have.”
“One of the trends I’m seeing is not having a wedding at all, and I think that’s great.” Caitlin Forda California-based wedding planner. The result is less drama, less people to manage, and significantly lower costs for everyone. “When having a wedding with 10 or more people, couples often spend at least $5,000 on bouquets, photos, etc. just for bridesmaids,” she says. “Instead, they might hire certain friends to do readings or speeches, or just have bridesmaids and groomsmen.”
There are lots of ways to involve friends beyond standing next to you in matching outfits at the altar. FYI, I didn’t have bridesmaids, but my friends spent time with me on my wedding day while I got ready and I even had a (very low-key) bachelorette party. You can also assign close friends certain, no-cost tasks like managing your wedding rings, coordinating attendance for group photos, and making sure you don’t get hounded by your chatty aunt at the reception.
“If the bride wants her bridesmaids to dress and look a certain way, I would recommend at the very least spending money on the bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes, hair and makeup,” she says. Kia Marie“I think it’s reasonable and polite, and that’s what I would do,” said the Chicago-based event planner.
Of course, there are many brides. do not It’s fine to offer to pay for these expenses, but you need to be clear and not beat around the bush. Marie suggests saying something like, “I would love for you to come to my wedding. I’ve done a little research and this is what I’m thinking about planning for the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and other wedding events. I think the wedding party will cost x, y, and z in total. Is this okay with you? Whatever you want, is fine? Our friendship is important to me and I never want to jeopardize it or make you feel obligated.”
And she urges her friends to take some time to think: “I often see bridesmaids spend around $4,000 to $5,000 per wedding, which is not an amount to take lightly,” she says. Many will get excited and say “yes,” but as with any big expense, what you really need is time to think it through and factor it into your financial situation.
Usually, bridesmaids do They pay for the bachelorette party (at least their own travel, lodging, and expenses, as well as the bride’s), pay for a wedding gift for the couple, and sometimes a separate gift for the bride. They also typically cover travel and lodging for the wedding itself, although sometimes couples will subsidize hotel rooms or Airbnbs if they want wedding-goers to stay in specific locations, Marie says.
It is very unusual, and in most cases, downright rude, for bridesmaids to cover wedding day expenses such as bouquets, photographs, etc. Bridesmaids’ contributions to wedding day expenses are generally part of the bride and groom’s wedding expenses. Bridal shower expenses should be paid for out of pocketUnless you explicitly volunteer to host, that’s a no-no.?
This one’s hard to pin down: wedding costs are hard to generalize, and many couples don’t realize how easy it is to spend money on them. (For reference, the average wedding costs about $30,000, making it the most expensive wedding ever.) Zola’s 2024 first look report) Even if you put your best efforts into paying for your bridesmaids’ wedding accommodations, you may find that it’s a bigger burden than you expected.
Still, show everyone the courtesy of committing to a budget for your wedding party. And do not have Surprise them with a last minute expense. If you need to cut costs elsewhere, do so. It’s not the bridesmaids’ job to offset your profits. “Your wedding is an important day in your life. do not have “Celebrate the most important events in your friends’ lives,” Post says. Again, if something’s out of your budget, Your own weddingit definitely won’t fit into your bridesmaids’ budget either.
I don’t think this is an official rule, but I think the more specific and difficult the request, the more you’re obligated to pay at least some of it. For example, if you want your bridesmaids to wear specific dresses of a specific brand and color with matching shoes, you should buy them those things. Conversely, if you want your bridesmaids to wear knee-length blue dresses with black shoes, they’ll probably be able to figure it out themselves.
The same guidelines apply to your guests. Planning a New Year’s Eve wedding in Japan? Consider subsidizing the cost of lodging for all your guests when they arrive. Or, at the very least, make sure you have a hotel block with multiple price ranges, Ford says. “You should offer low-, mid-range and high-end hotels,” she says. “I think if you want someone to pay for something, it’s common sense to let them choose how much they want to pay.”
Above all, friends Can not Do what you’re asked to do. “I want bridesmaids to know they can say no, and I want the bride to not take it personally,” says Marie. “It doesn’t mean that your bridesmaids are terrible friends. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you or that they won’t be there for you. It just means that now is not a good time financially, or it’s not what you want to do with your money.”
Ultimately, put yourself in your guests’ shoes. “I always have to reassure brides who are upset because a friend can’t come to their wedding or their bachelorette party,” Ford says. “I always tell them, ‘Remember this person is going through a lot, too. Forget it, and don’t let it damage your friendship.'”
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