Dear Annie: I read a letter in your column about inheritance issues, so I wanted to share my own story. Her mother secretly transferred a $930,000 house near the ocean to her single brother several years ago. She found out while trying to figure out funding for her father’s nursing home.
Her argument was that he doesn’t have a family or children like my other siblings and me.
This brother also decided to stop surfing, diving, and fishing in his mid-40s, while the other brother is a Fortune 500 director and I run my own real estate company. He often makes fun of us for working so hard and having a negative impact on our health, but he stays healthy thanks to his extra free time and minimal stress.
My other brother and I have both worked for decades and experienced the normal sacrifices and unseen struggles that come with building success, but no one in my family appreciates them. Any questions about transfers and confidentiality are met with gaslighting over the fact that we “don’t need the money” or suggestions that we are “greedy”.
Annie, this house has been in my family for 100 years and is very precious to me. I also know that her mother could never have made this move on her own. She can’t even pay her bills herself.
The problem is that I’m having a hard time communicating with my mom right now. Our daily interactions have completely disappeared. Everything she sends me is so inspiring that I can’t even read it. (Her messages are about everyday trivia, as she acts like nothing happened.) She doesn’t try to solve anything. She feels I can spend the rest of her life without seeing her again and she is shocked. She often makes me uncomfortable about my weight gain, so I have cut back on visits. My kids are only three years away from graduating high school, and I planned to cut back on my work schedule and spend more time with my mom in her last decade of life.
This situation has created decades of misogyny and problems in our family, but the siblings who received the property don’t talk about it. He has supported his lack of retirement planning well, and he knows it.
I also send money ($1,500) to my parents every month and have been doing this for 4 years. I know they need it. Am I wrong for being so upset when her mother can do whatever she wants with her own money? But it sends the message to me, “I don’t care.” If she was okay with her reasons, why would she keep it a secret?
Will you stop sending money?
How do we move forward from here? And decide if this will bring an end to our relationship?Is it wrong to never want to see my brother again and to think that he is a thief? — Inheritance issues
Dear Inheritance Concerns: Your mother has the right to manage her finances as she sees fit, but it is natural for you to feel hurt by unequal treatment.
If you decide to stop sending her money, explain your reasons without assigning blame and communicate your decision respectfully and clearly. In any case, in order to hope for a reconciliation with her, it is important to have an honest conversation with her about her hurt feelings.
When it comes to relationships with siblings, it’s natural to feel betrayed and frustrated. It’s okay to need space from him while you work through your feelings, but know that holding on to anger and resentment may only hurt you in the long run. You have chosen to work and start a successful real estate company. Without disrespecting the brothers’ surfing lifestyle, we can cherish their accomplishments and all that it has brought to them.
Communicate openly with him as well and explain your situation without accusing him. With honest communication and mutual consideration, you can find common ground.
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