You are a saver, or at least your partner tells you so. You have a plan that you would defend it against most pennies, if not for your partner. At least, that’s what you tell yourself.
Your partner is a spendthrift who enjoys living in the moment. Taking out is perfectly fine when you’re in a hurry or buying clothes you don’t really need.
Money is often the source of conflict in relationships. It’s not uncommon for savers to get upset when their partner continues to spend money impulsively. It is not uncommon for savers to marry spendthrifts.
“These differences often arise in marriages between people who grew up in different social classes,” says Jesse Stryban, a professor of sociology at Duke University who studies relationships between socioeconomic classes.
She added: “People who grew up with less money want to buy things they couldn’t afford when they were kids, and they’re less interested in saving. They’re living without a large savings account for the rest of their lives.” People who grew up with it often want to maintain a safety net and want to save more. “
Left unspoken, small deals can feel like a series of small stresses that can eventually lead to altercations. Experts agree that couples need to communicate clearly and regularly to resolve financial differences.
But talking about money isn’t easy for some people. Our relationship with money often goes back to childhood and can be damaged by financial trauma. Talking about money with your spouse is a skill that requires an empathetic approach to understand your partner’s choices and respond without blame or shame.
Experts agree that these conversations are best held in a comfortable, scheduled setting. We often talk about taking time out on a regular basis to discuss common financial goals, values, and relationships with money. money date.
“How we spend money typically represents our strongest and most closely held values,” says Sonya Luther, director of financial health and wellness at Texas Tech University. “If we don’t want our children to experience what we experienced as children, we use our resources to provide them with experiences and things to avoid unpleasant memories. It gives us the power and ability to modify our own emotions.”
Couples will also benefit when systems, habits, or agreements are put in place to bring their thinking into a more introspective state. “Impulsive spending largely involves rapid, automatic thinking related to the emotions and feelings of the moment,” said behavioral economist Stephen Shu, who teaches at Cornell University. “People are often in a state of agitation when impulse purchases occur.”
“The key is to slow down your thinking, think about goals and alternatives, and have the discipline to try different methods and see what works for you,” he added.
yours, mine and ours
With such strong feelings about money, it is best to keep most of it in a joint account and, when disagreements about how to spend that money are strong, open individual accounts for smaller spending options. Some couples find it easier to maintain This strategy is often referred to as “Yours, Mine, and Ours”.
has some advantages divide the household budget in marriage Using this approach is not without risks.including some studies Recent researchfound that couples who gave money to each other had higher marital satisfaction and fewer divorces.
“Financial intimacy is essential to finding the right tools for you and your partner,” says Michael Jean-Thomas, a lecturer at the University of Georgia who focuses on people’s financial well-being. say. “This includes communicating vulnerabilities and understanding each other’s thoughts, attitudes and feelings about money. Trust, consistency and compromise form the basis of a successful strategy. Only consistency matters.” is.”
Brian Page is a co-host Modern Husband Podcast and founder modern husbandhelps the couple manage their money and home,money marriage uis an online course that offers lessons in financial therapy and financial planning. Michael Jean Thomas, Jessie Strive, and Stephen Shue will serve. Modern Husband Advisory Board.
