Maybe these late-night losers will stop thinking the world is ending

So the Republicans won the election, and you know what that means. Jimmy Carter has four more years to live. It’s also a time for liberals to remind themselves that they are still right about everything and that hysteria and paranoia of persecution are perfectly normal.

But now they’re melting, like the stick of butter Joy Behar keeps between her thighs to prevent chafing. Case in point, last night, all the other late night show hosts threw a fit in frustration. It’s a shame Tim Walz is still grieving, or he could have sent them all bags of industrial-strength tampons. Poor Jimmy. Indeed, it was a terrible night for the women, children, and hundreds of thousands of hardworking immigrants who mowed the lawns.

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Jimmy Kimmel: It was a terrible night for women, for children, and for the hundreds of thousands of hardworking immigrants who keep this country running. For health care, climate, science, journalism, justice, and free speech. It was a terrible night for the poor, the middle class, and the elderly who rely on Social Security. for us allies of ukrainefor NATO, for the truth. and democracy and common sense. And it was a terrible night for everyone who voted against him. And guess what? It was also a bad night for those who voted for him. you just don’t realize it yet.

you know what? If I cry on TV, it’s because Maroon 5 released a new song. But that’s it, wow***. Now, remember when Johnny Carson cried like a baby over Ronald Reagan’s election? Yeah, neither do I. And do you know why he didn’t? Because his wife didn’t keep the ball in the Tupperware container next to the box of tofu burgers. But the killer phrase was Kimmel saying at the end, “You just don’t realize it.” Because he’s smarter than you and needs you to know it. And his ego can’t stand the fact that there are people out there who are more famous and influential than he is. I have news, Kimmel. The last time you mattered, Bruce Jenner still had a penis.

I love you, Bruce.

Jimmy’s career peaked with a busty girl on a trampoline. All we see now is him. He also once co-hosted The Man Show. Now he’s sobbing like he just watched Steel Magnolias on the third day of his cycle. Here is another disgruntled millionaire.

Stephen Colbert: hey there. How are you? I don’t think people who watch the show regularly are doing very well. Yeah, me too.

Are you not feeling well? You are filthy rich and completely immune to the crap you impose on others. By the way, I’m actually fine, Stephen. I haven’t felt any pain, brother, other than the fact that I’ve had an erection for 48 hours since Pennsylvania called me.

But Stephen, have you ever tried to pick yourself up? You’ve been bashing Trump for eight years, but all you’ve done is helped bring him back to power. After eight years of being wrong about something every day and every night, you might consider trying something new, like comedy. But at least Seth Meyers has revealed the source of his woes: relevance. Trump has it. He isn’t.

Seth Meyers: We live in an infinite time warp where Donald Trump has always been and always will be the center of the universe. There is no escape. All praise the powerful and benevolent Supreme Leader.

Hmm, or why don’t you just do a stupid little comedy show and stop acting like you’re trying to save the world? But we were too ungrateful to listen to your brilliance. NBC’s late-night show was a bizarre romp until Seth turned it into an hour-long show with a gay therapist. Therefore, these fellows are experiencing deep psychological distress. It’s not just them. Journalists are now offering tips for dealing with disappointment, frustration, and even fear. And I understand. That’s normal after a loss.

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I’m still angry that Johnny Depp lost the title of “World’s Sexiest Man”. But why do people feel fear? Maybe it’s because they’re just a news source constantly telling us that Trump is going to turn America into Nazi Germany. But do you know who felt actual fear during the Biden administration? Anyone who had to take the subway, buy groceries, or want to punch a chick without testicles? That’s a lot of people. But now even Kamala admits that everything will be fine. So much for Trump being Hitler. It turns out she was lying all along. They all were.

Still, CBS offered some helpful tips for dealing with the loss. CNN recommends taking deep breaths and taking long walks. And please don’t suppress your emotions. Usually when I cry this much it’s when I’m sharing an elevator with Brian Stelter at Taco Tuesday. Therefore, the media provides solutions to the problems it has created.

After all, who created the fear by promising an apocalypse if Trump won? They did. It’s like climate hysteria. They’ve beaten the drum enough that their children are now suffering from climate stress.

Look at Kimmel and Colbert, they’re assholes because they believe the media. Still, it’s okay because we haven’t been brainwashed. We know that the media’s job is to lie to cause anxiety disproportionate to the actual threat, or to pose no threat at all.

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The one tip I have for journalists to manage stress is to stop paying attention to them. Perhaps these late-night losers will stop thinking the world is ending because they know that under the Trump administration, the world is really just beginning.