I don’t know exactly when I developed anxiety, because I didn’t know it. Growing up, mental health wasn’t something we talked about unless it was a joke. But I remember the first time I learned that the tightness in my chest, burning hands, and sleepless nights were related to anxiety. I had just graduated from college and started seeing a new therapist who diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder. At the time, I felt anger and denial. Years later, as I was entering my fourth year as a principal, I came to recognize anxiety as a superpower.
Have Anxiety disorders It’s not just about feeling anxious. Humanity Worrying is important, but living with and dealing with anxiety is more complicated than not worrying. It becomes persistent And then, as in my case, it starts to interfere with your daily life. Various anxiety disorders It has a variety of effects on people, More general More people than you might think live with anxiety and mental health issues. PandemicBut still, this stigma persists. Especially in communities of color..
For me, as a Black woman, that was certainly the case. I recall a conversation I had with a family member after he learned I’d been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and he encouraged me to remember all the hardships my grandmother had gone through, and that she never looked down or sad, but rather, made it through. “It’s all a matter of perspective,” he said. “You just have to elevate your perspective.”
This is consistent with other messages I have received. I have received messages from family, friends, colleagues, and the community. “Strong Black Women” Stereotypes. Sometimes this leads to unrealistic expectations that we should never let others know when we are experiencing pain, doubt, sadness, or any other emotion that can be characterized as weakness.
How my anxiety manifested itself when I started working in schools
My anxiety visibly worsened when I became a teacher, and it continued as I took on more responsibilities in my job and transitioned into school leadership. I quickly realized that there were so many triggers in everyday events. A big event, an unexpected challenge, a difficult conversation, or perhaps an unpopular decision, would send a numbing electricity through my body. Those feelings were always there, and now I had a name for them, but I still didn’t know what to do about them.
Shortly after becoming a school leader, I received the best advice for dealing with anxiety from the most amazing therapist I’ve ever worked with. She said, “You have anxiety. Embrace it. Learn to ride the wave.” To ride the wave of anxiety and not let it control me, I had to reject the ableist idea that anxiety is a weakness. Instead of fighting it, I had to start seeing it as a reality that I needed to learn to deal with. And I did.
I began to learn how my anxiety manifests and what typically triggers it. This helped me prepare for the tightness in my chest or the warm hands. I knew it was coming, but I also knew I would get through it and it would be okay. I no longer panicked and got nothing done when work piled up. Instead, I made a plan to slow down and tackle one situation at a time. When my heart was racing in anticipation of having to give or receive difficult feedback, I used progressive muscle relaxation to calm my body and mind. When I felt like things were piling up on my shoulders, I learned to assert my needs and lean on teammates for support.
As a principal, I realized that I not only stopped fighting my anxiety, but that I embraced it as an important part of my identity. Without anxiety, I would not be the leader I am today. Feeling anxious makes me hyper-sensitive to everything and everyone around me, which helps me notice small, important details that lead to more thoughtful decisions.
Some people say their best ideas come to them in the shower. For me, my best ideas come at 3am when I can’t sleep because I’m thinking too much about the problems from the day before. I wish I could have slept a few more minutes, but this is when I’m most alert, able to think outside the noise of busy school life and consider a situation from all angles. My tendency to overthink has forced me to think deeply about the decisions I make, the feedback I give, and setbacks as a leader. This level of clarity is important as a leader because everything we do impacts our staff and students.
Anxiety is like a personal x-ray. Before, I was constantly thinking about how others would react to what I said or did. Now, I slow down and focus on the moment, listening to what is being said and not being said. This helps me build stronger relationships with the leaders I mentor because I can ask the right questions to understand their perspective and push them forward.
Accepting anxiety as an important part of your identity
As a person with anxiety, one of the realities I face is that I can be very sensitive to my environment. When I feel psychologically anxious, it not only makes me anxious, but it also makes me feel like I need to put on a mask to protect myself, which can be exhausting. But I do my best work when I’m in an environment where I feel safe and respected for being who I am. And as a principal, I know I have to create an environment where my students and staff can show up and be their best selves so they can do their best work.
Learning to recognize anxiety as an intrinsic part of who I am was a difficult process, but it was crucial to my growth as a leader. I had to unlearn the idea that having anxiety or any other mental illness was a weakness.
As a leader, I continue to learn how to take an asset-based approach to developing teachers in my school. I rely on the strengths of my teachers, but it’s been difficult to do the same for myself. Over time, I’ve dug deeper into how anxiety has shaped my identity and experience, how I can address it, and use it as a strength in my work. When I stopped focusing on bias, I was able to become more in tune with myself, which ultimately made me a better leader. I hope that talking more about my experience with anxiety will empower others to do the same.
