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The thin white paper was not enough to hide the sound of my trembling knees. After five pregnancies that ended in miscarriage and several ultrasounds each time, sitting in the examination chair was not a neutral experience for me. I did my best to keep my expectations low, but I couldn’t contain my desire to meet this baby I prayed was growing inside of me. Eight weeks pregnant, the image on the screen would tell me all I needed to know whether I could hold on to the hope of holding this baby in my arms or whether it would be stolen away by grief and remain only in my heart.
As the ultrasound image flashed on the screen, everyone, including my husband, the nurses, and the ultrasound technician, cheered and laughed with joy. Everyone…except me. I smiled faintly and did my best to join in the jolly atmosphere. I understood the invitation to celebrate this moment. But I couldn’t accept it. Where I should have felt joy, I felt fear. After so much loss and heartache, I had become very suspicious of joy and was afraid to actually embrace God’s good gifts for fear they would be taken away.
What if my dreams only lead to disappointment? What if my hopes only lead to heartache?
Most of us never consider the fact that joy is the most vulnerable emotion we feel, but whether your struggles are the same as mine or not, you probably know that when you’ve experienced any kind of pain or trauma, sometimes it feels safer not to embrace joy than to hold onto something that might break you.
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At first glance, it may seem strange to think of joy as a frightening emotion. But in fact, joy is the most vulnerable emotion we feel. Because when we experience some kind of pain or trauma, it feels safer to have no joy at all than to hold something that might break. So, in an attempt to protect ourselves, we learn to hold on to joy with stubborn abandon.
Nicole Zasowski is a licensed marriage and family therapist, popular speaker, and author of “What If It’s Wonderful?” and “From Lost to Found.”
For many people who have experienced severe or chronic heartache or loss, pessimism has become a reliable defense against the fear that so often accompanies joy. Instead of looking to the future and dreaming of what could be, we choose to believe that the worst outcomes are certain. We practice disappointment and rehearse disasters to prepare us for what we are sure will be inevitable pain. Instead of hopefulness and imagining possibilities, we convince ourselves that it is beneficial (or wise!) to keep our expectations low.
Next to pessimism, many of us carry the similar, yet different, shield of cynicism. Pessimism involves a lack of hope or confidence in the future, while cynicism involves doubting people’s motives, or in some cases, God’s. We know God is good, but we always imagine the “good” in our lives to look like broccoli on a dinner plate. for For us, it’s not something we’re excited about.
Part of the sadness in the chronic loss I have experienced has not only been the pain of the loss itself, but also the refusal to embrace joy when it comes.
A painful fear many of us have is that we will always be disappointed by the story God has written for us. God doesn’t plan our suffering. But when we endure pain, it’s easy to fear that God’s plan for our lives — the pain and joy he will or won’t allow — will always be our sorrow. So we become cynical and assume that God’s goodness will always feel like growing pains.
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Although pessimism and cynicism are reliable guardians for many of us, TrustworthyPessimism is a control mechanism that removes the element of surprise from sadness, somehow trying to lessen its impact. But anticipation doesn’t protect you from sadness. Research shows that anticipating a feared outcome doesn’t make it less painful, even if it does occur. What anticipation does protect is your ability to recognize and accept life’s gifts and have hope for the future.
The only practice that helps us tolerate the weakness of joy is Thanksgiving.
![Book Cover What If It's Wonderful](https://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxnews.com/foxnews.com/content/uploads/2024/05/1200/675/Nicole-Zasowski-what-if-wonderful-book-cover.jpg?ve=1&tl=1)
Although the words and ideas of gratitude and thanksgiving are often used interchangeably, there is a clear and important difference between the two. Gratitude is the outward expression of the gratitude we feel inside. Both practices are valuable, but this difference is important because expressing joy out loud through the practice of gratitude doubles the joy we feel when we just feel thankful silently in our hearts.
Hope does not deny sacrifice. Hope respects harsh realities, but does not cave in to fear, knowing that not all is as it seems. Hope honors God’s promises and rejoices in what is possible through Him.
Thanksgiving invites us to name and celebrate truths about God’s character and presence with us today, and reminds us of the many ways He has been faithful to us in the past. It naturally leads us to hope for the future, no longer asking ourselves, “What if I’m disappointed or sad?” but rather, “What would God do?” or, “What if it’s actually okay?” or, my personal favorite, “What if it’s wonderful?”
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Hope does not deny sacrifice. Hope respects harsh realities, but does not cave in to fear, knowing that not all is as it seems. Hope honors God’s promises and rejoices in what is possible through Him.
Maybe your story is similar to mine. Or maybe you’ve weathered storms in your life — chronic illness, a broken relationship, dashed dreams. But whatever form the storm took in your life, you may have let disappointment keep your dreams small. Or maybe you let heartache affect your hope, knowing that God can move in your life and in your heart, but doubting that He will.
Part of the sadness of the chronic loss I experienced was not just the pain of the loss itself, but also the refusal to embrace joy when it came. So many missed opportunities, losses, and broken or strained relationships I experienced were the result of failing to celebrate the moments of progress, the affirmations, the beauty of the present, and the connections with loved ones.
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I don’t want us to look back at our lives – the beautiful, amazing lives God has given us – and realize that we missed most of it because we were so busy preparing for the worst.
So next time you wonder if it’s safe to celebrate, wonder if being hopeful is a good idea, or feel on the brink of something new, remember that pessimism won’t protect you.
State what is true about God being with you where you are now, remember how faithful he has been in the past, and as you look to the future, may you have the courage to ask, “What if that were a wonderful thing?”