Gutfeld: Only one party is hiding its candidate like eggs on Easter

So tomorrow we have the first and probably only presidential debate before the November election. The first debate doesn’t count. The only debate was about whether Joe had the right to shoot him behind a barn. But with Trump leading again in the polls, the stakes for Kamala in this debate are as high as those of a hunter in the champagne room at Chibikko’s Bar. Kamala Harris has to convince voters that she’s not Kamala Harris, that she’s not the drug that’s been rambling on like a hyena on ecstasy for the past four years. So we’re going to have Kamala impersonate a moderate Democrat or a full-on Republican, flipping between all sorts of positions like an Australian breakdancer. And what will America see tomorrow as Kamala morphs into something closer to reality?

Bootlegs faker than Brian Kilmeade’s fan mail? Don’t believe me? Just ask Bernie Sanders, who owns more houses than his Monopoly-cheating friends and has hair that looks like he’s been tasered by a cop. Here’s the cast of Meet the Press.

NBC Host: You’ve described Vice President Kamala Harris as a progressive. She used to support Medicare for All, but she no longer does. She used to support a ban on fracking, but she no longer does. Do you think she’s abandoning progressive ideals?

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Bernie Sanders: No, I don’t think she’s abandoning her ideals. I think she’s trying to be pragmatic and do what she thinks is right to win the election.

If soup could talk, that’s what it would sound like. But Bernie gave up on Kamala like she was facing 10 to 20 years in prison for carjacking a thug’s scooter. Because if Kamala is being pragmatic by flipping all her positions, then by definition she was anything but pragmatic before. She was the exact opposite, as reckless as Chris Christie at the Cheesecake Factory. The Democrats knew it all along. She’s got a head full of junk and she’s partnered with a president whose pants are full of junk too.

So Bernie claims she’s only doing it to win the election, and while he acknowledges it’s all a sham, he also acknowledges that Trump’s positions are much more realistic and therefore much better for America. And even if Kamala wins, she’ll quickly revert to her radical roots, but will be realistic again in four years when she runs for reelection in what’s left of America. So the argument of flip-flopping is pointless. I wish she would flip-flop. No, she flip-flops, but there’s no evidence she’ll stay true to these new positions. It’s a fraud and an arrogant insult to her own supporters.

Well, this is the second time bail has been revoked. Remember Joe Biden? The guy on the beach. He may be the first US president to die from a windblown umbrella. But he managed to expose the secret that the Democrats and the media have been happy to hide for so long: the Anti-Inflation Act is completely meaningless.

Joe Biden: I’m proud that my investments helped pass the most significant climate change bill ever, which is $369 billion, by the way. They should have called it what it was, but anyway.

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It’s kind of scary that the leader of the free world is one step above driftwood. But think about how many people worried about food and gas prices were led to believe the White House was solving that problem with this bill, which was just a Trojan horse to hide billions of dollars in climate fraud. How could I ever vote for this lying bastard again?

Say what you will about Trump, America knows exactly who he is: a man willing to literally lay down his life for his country. But with Kamala, America is dating on Tinder and her entire party is fooling us, sending us pictures of Megan Fox when in fact they’re dating Redd Fox. Sure, we see her on our phone screens, but we won’t really get to know her until after November 5th, when it will be too late.

Kamala’s newlywed life lasted just as long as Ben and Jennifer Lopez’s. But this time, the media is the giant idiot. The latest New York Times Siena Poll has Trump ahead of Harris in the popular vote. To make matters worse, she’s trailing among men in battleground states like Nevada and Pennsylvania. Of course, Democrats are panicking and pointing to misogyny as the reason. But if Nevada hates women, explain Bunny Ranch to me.

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So as you watch the debates, remember that no matter what anyone says, there is only one political party hiding its candidates like Easter eggs. If your only strategy for winning is to hide your true nature, what does that say about you? Your political party, the media that is complicit in that ruse? It says you are a Democrat, because only Democrats today consider honesty a flaw.