Gutfeld: Biden is like ‘the mad King, a senile dude’ who can barely hold on to the presidency

So with each passing day, it becomes clearer that we live in a country ruled by a mad royal family. The mad king is a demented man who can barely hold down the presidency, much less his own bowels. The evil queen is an egotistical status seeker who demands to be called a doctor when he’s not a doctor. A PhD in education. Like demanding to be called a pilot because a flight attendant pinned wings on your shirt when you were 12. Sure, getting a PhD in education is as hard as getting a horse burger at my slaughterhouse. And of course, there’s the arrogant prince, a cheap Caligula-esque one who thinks family outings are orgies. It feels like they need their own theme song.

Greg Gutfeld: Democrats and the media exposed

Let’s start at the top. This guy is hanging by a thread, and that thread is dangling by a hair plug. On Monday, Joe sent out a letter saying he’s staying in office. We’re told we have a copy, and it says, in part, and I quote, “Democratic voters voted. They selected me as their party’s nominee. Are we now going to say that this process didn’t matter, that the voters had no say?”

Well, the fact is, Democratic voters have fewer choices than the orphan I hired to shave my back. In short, the letter says we lied to you. It’s too late, stop it. It’s defiant. He’s not just furious at the Democratic Party, but at the extinction of the light. He’s telling Democrats to come get me. Will they? Can’t stop the Evil Queen from doing so. Campaigning solo in North Carolina yesterday, Jill insisted Joe is in full force. If she meant “buried,” she’s right.

Did he support your career? Besides your marriage, what did he specifically do for your career? He didn’t quit the Senate so you could go to fake doctor school. You were a substitute teacher. It wasn’t like you were doing a conjoined twin separation. So like one of those sign language interpreters, she’s now at every event, front row center, waving her arms as if to warn people to stay away from the bathroom where Jerry Nadler just left. It’s a signal that a vote for Joe is a vote for me. She’s like Lynyrd Skynyrd. Yeah, they’re still touring, even though everyone’s dead. And yet the media is afraid to blame her, because she’ll do anything to stay where she is. She doesn’t want to go back to Delaware. No one wants to go back. The only thing worth seeing in Delaware is a sign to New Jersey. But her compassion is as fake as her degree. She should be teaching slow-students at summer school, but instead she’s posing as a good wife and pushing her confused husband into traffic. And that’s how it goes? Joe can’t resign. She’ll be seen as the villain. It’ll be humiliating. No more parties. No more expensive dresses. No more appearances on The View, choking on the insistent, pungent sounds of Whoopi’s farts. Is she forcing him to do this? Not for his health. He’s dying. This is for her. And she knew these days would come.

First Lady Jill Biden, U.S. President Joe Biden’s son Hunter Biden, and his wife Melissa Cohen Biden leave the J. Caleb Boggs Federal Building in Wilmington, Delaware, June 11, 2024. A federal jury found Hunter Biden guilty of all three federal felony firearms charges he faced. (Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)

Don’t yell, just talk. That’s exactly what I told Judge Janine. But she’s been forced to talk, and she doesn’t. Maybe she really is the acting president. It’s clear that Jill is campaigning because Joe can’t. If Joe wants to prove that the debate was a one-off fiasco, he’ll be out there proving it. Instead, all he did yesterday was call and yell in his morning breath. But to his credit, at least he didn’t try to order pizza. And those who say he’s gone mad weren’t talking about Scarborough this time. Yeah, but what about the prince? Joe’s playful son Hunter is now the commander in chief’s de facto gatekeeper. Or, more like, the de facto gravekeeper. But this job is Hunter’s specialty. Hunter is used to staying in hotel rooms for weeks on end, plotting and scheming. Who better to give Joe something to keep him awake? We already know how he’s going to get the cocaine to the White House. It’s strange to see Hunter in the Oval Office after all that. Can you believe it? From rehab to the White House. From addict to Lincoln’s bed. From meth pipe to the stars and stripes.

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This whole thing is crazy. They said that if we didn’t vote for Joe, the White House would be occupied by a power-hungry tyrant who refused to step down even though we all knew he was unfit, and we’d have a convicted criminal running the country. Looks like they were right.