Welcome to Awkward Money Conversations, a new series where we tackle uncomfortable topics and situations surrounding money. We’ll outline the problem and offer some practical solutions.
dilemma:
A wife has a habit of buying expensive shoes for her husband and hiding them.
Husband with secret online gambling addiction.
Your partner is racking up credit card debt through purchases you make without your knowledge.
These are all examples of financial infidelity.
But what is financial infidelity?
“Essentially, financial infidelity is a violation of trust regarding what you will or will not do with money,” says financial therapist Ed Combs.
“People engage in financial cheating as a way to protect themselves from pain in the relationship or to avoid making the other person feel bad or making me feel bad for them,” he says.
![Are you hiding a financial secret? That's financial infidelity.](https://www.usatoday.com/gcdn/authoring/authoring-images/2024/06/05/PLOU/73990855007-uncomfortable-conversations-financial-insecurity.jpg?width=980&height=552&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp)
Combs is past president of the Financial Therapy Association, an organization of professionals who combine expertise in therapy and financial planning. He is also the author of “The Healthy Love & Money Way” and hosts the “Healthy Love and Money” podcast.
Financial infidelity can violate any kind of relationship — with a spouse or partner, sibling, parent, friend or employer — “but — and this is the real problem — it’s with yourself,” Combs says.
Being unrealistic about your finances or avoiding your relationship with money is being dishonest with yourself, “kind of betraying your integrity about what you want to do with money,” he said.
![Ed Combs is a financial therapist based in Charlotte, North Carolina. He is also the past president of the Financial Therapy Association, author of books and hosts podcasts on love and money.](https://www.usatoday.com/gcdn/authoring/authoring-images/2024/05/29/USAT/73898838007-ed-head-shot-standard.jpg?width=300&height=461&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp)
More broadly, financial infidelity usually occurs when “something is going on in the relationship that makes it unsafe or acceptable to talk honestly or transparently about how you spend money,” Combs says. “If you fear criticism, shame or judgement about how you spend money, you’re more likely to start hiding what you’re doing.”
That might mean hiding shopping habits or purchases, Combs said, but he has also seen patients who haven’t paid their personal or business taxes, and parents who don’t want to disclose financial matters to their adult children when it comes to estate planning.
Over 40% of people commit financial infidelity
Financial infidelity is fairly prevalent in dating relationships: In a 2021 survey, the National Endowment for Financial Education found that two in five people in relationships (43%) admitted to committing some kind of financial fraud, and 85% said that carelessness had affected their current or past relationship in some way.
A recent survey by marketing solutions company Vericast found that 53% of people believe hiding wealth from a loved one is a betrayal of trust.
Business stress and lack of self-esteem led to therapist’s financial infidelity
Combs himself was involved in financial infidelity about seven years into his marriage when he and his wife, Ann, agreed to allow him to use their credit cards to start a new therapy business, for an agreed upon amount of about $10,000.
But starting the business proved more difficult than Combs expected, and he said his ego and unwillingness to admit he wasn’t successful to his wife, whose business was thriving, led him to get $30,000 in debt without telling her.
“When it came to light, she was really disappointed,” Combs said. “She was frustrated, and because her business and practice were growing and successful, it put more financial responsibility on her.”
He didn’t want to disappoint his wife, so he ended up cheating on her instead.
“That led to some really difficult conversations,” he said.
![Financial therapist Ed Combs was financially unfaithful to his wife, Ann, when he racked up more credit card debt than he'd originally agreed to in order to start a business. The couple went to therapy to resolve the issue.](https://www.usatoday.com/gcdn/authoring/authoring-images/2024/05/29/USAT/73898771007-img-8508.jpg?width=640&height=480&fit=crop&format=pjpg&auto=webp)
Dr. Combs said he and some of his patients had unmet expectations building up, “and we felt like we couldn’t talk about it. And we were trapped in secrecy. And that secrecy turned into shame, and it was a very hard space to get out of. It was like a dark hole.”
Combs and his wife went to couples therapy to try to understand why Combs felt the need to hide his debts and to find ways to repair their relationship.
There is more than one reason for financial infidelity
There are many different types of financial infidelity, and therefore many different reasons why it happens, he said.
For example, Combs says, a secret gambling addiction may be rooted in mental health issues that spill over into infidelity.
Combs said there may also be cultural differences: One spouse may be caught between a cultural expectation to support their parents and a partner who doesn’t share or understand that obligation. With adult children, a similar situation can arise if one parent believes they need financial support and the other doesn’t, Combs said.
Self-defense, not infidelity
Yet another scenario is when a spouse or partner is in a dangerous relationship and feels they need to save money to get out of it.
Combs said in that case, it would be considered financial self-defense, not financial infidelity.
“Being completely honest and transparent about your financial situation comes when there’s enough relationship security and you can reasonably expect your partner to actually move from anger and disappointment to compassion and empathy,” Combs says.
Expert advice
So how does someone who has committed financial infidelity come forward?
“In an ideal world, you’d have enough emotional resolve and maturity to go to your partner and say, ‘I want to have a difficult conversation about our finances. Are we ready to talk about things that make us both nervous?'” Combs says. “That way, you’re not psychologically blindsiding the other person with the news.”
Combs said most patients tell her they want to be able to talk to their partners in a safe, responsible and respectful way, “because when this comes out, they don’t want to do or say anything that they’ll regret.”
Advice for potential partners: Combs said infidelity is often discovered by a partner, employer or friend when some paperwork or other evidence comes to light.
The other person will likely “have a pretty big emotional reaction, or they may become numb,” he says. Acknowledge that you were hurt and taken by surprise.
Unpleasant conversations:Being a bridesmaid is expensive, can or should I turn it down?
Some people who receive news of financial infidelity respond by keeping a journal, reading books, talking to a therapist, or practicing mindfulness.
“Now is the time to be honest about what’s going on with you, because your partner may not be in a position to be honest with you, which makes any financial infidelity revelations even worse,” he said.
It could also be a signal that you and your partner need professional help, Combs says.
A financial therapist can be a neutral third party.
“We can remain in a position to reserve judgment about certain people and what they’ve done,” Combs said, “and treat all parties with curiosity, compassion and empathy and help them reunite around what it means to have this money between us and how we can find a place where we can feel safe and accepted.”
We want to hear from you
Here’s the next awkward conversation about money I want to address:
◾ Do you have adult children who are financially ready to leave home but won’t?
◾ Have you ever gone on holiday with friends and felt awkward because their spending habits were so different?
Want to suggest an Awkward Conversation topic about money? Or have yours featured in a future article about Awkward Conversations? Email us at blinfisher@USATODAY.com with “Awkward Conversations” in the subject line.
Betty Lynn Fisher is a consumer reporter for USA Today. She can be reached at email address: Or follow her on X, Facebook, or Instagram @blinfisher.. Sign up for our free The Daily Money newsletter with consumer news updates on Fridays. here.