I took it as a challenge and met him as soon as I turned 18. However, he was very disappointed. He doesn’t work much, smokes pot, and sits around complaining about everything, mostly to his mother, who must be about 90 years old. All his problems are someone else’s fault.
I’ve really tried to connect with him, but when he contacts me I always find out it’s because he wants something — usually money. I help him but afterwards he feels angry and taken advantage of. But I can’t seem to get out of it. I think he’s afraid that if I abandon him, I’ll end up just like him.
Recently he went on a long rant about not letting his girlfriend trap me like my mom did to him. He complained about her not aborting me. I finally got angry and asked her why her mother had trapped him, who was 8 years older than me, never married him and paid him a total of $1,000 in child support over the course of his life. I swore that was my last break. I haven’t responded to his messages. He is getting more and more desperate and I feel guilty.
You don’t have to reply, right? I don’t need him because I have a great mother and a good stepfather. right?
Will you walk away? : right. But “necessary” is not the criterion here, right?
Your choice to make a connection and decide for yourself about him is valid, fair, and completely understandable.
It was difficult to see that your father had many problems that made it difficult for him to be a real father to you. But you were brave, you absorbed solid information, you stood up for your mother, and you risked everything. Good for you.
Deciding that you’ve gotten as much from him as is healthy for you and walking away is not “abandonment.”
When parents have children, they are responsible for them. But being born is not like that; isn’t it, creates a responsibility for parents equal to that of children. Your father avoided responsibility when he unilaterally opted out of you. If you opt out of him, it’s just exercising your privilege not to interact with toxic people. There is no equivalence here.
That’s why the question is not “Do I need him?” or even “Does he need me?” The question is, “Is there any purpose in contacting you?” Even if you didn’t have a good mother or stepfather, I don’t think you need this father.
If you want to opt out, make it clear to him that you don’t want any contact.
I’m sorry for the difficult experience you had.
· My vote is for running, not walking. What on earth am I getting out of this relationship other than guilt and giving him money? Don’t let him drain your life force.
· I have a family member like this, so I support the advice to run instead of walking in the opposite direction. These people basically remain the same. He will definitely receive more over time without giving anything back. Guilt may hang around like a mystical scent for a while, but time and the knowledge of what you’ve done may Febreze.
