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In the world of self-improvement, you can’t shake a dead cat without being told to “fake it till you make it” (sorry, but I love this expression).
We know that acting as if you already possess the qualities and mindset you desire will ultimately help you embody them. This approach effectively builds self-confidence and helps you take action in areas you might otherwise have avoided. There’s no disputing that.
The lessons learned through failure (or faking) will always help you succeed in the future.
We preach this to all of our agents when they first call a prospect or meet a client at an open house, and it works where it works.
But it never works in the realm of gratitude.
No amount of positive words you say about an area of your life for which you are not currently feeling grateful will leave you feeling grateful.
In fact, piling up positive slogans over negative situations will only make you feel worse. You’ll feel more guilty and like a fraud, and your experiences of enthusiasm and joy will rapidly diminish.
Please stop this immediately.
The illusion of forced positivity
The biggest problem with “fake it till you make it” when it comes to gratitude and affirmation is that it encourages a superficial approach to a deeper emotional state.
Repeating positive affirmations or forcing yourself to feel grateful without really addressing the underlying emotions can lead to a hollow sense of happiness.
Surely, any parent with siblings has gone through the “sorry to my sister” phase. Has it ever produced even the slightest bit of genuine remorse? Never with my kids.
Using positive affirmations to cultivate feelings of happiness and gratitude is fairly common. People in the “affirmation card/gratitude journal” industry will hate me for saying this, but repeatedly telling yourself positive phrases like “I am happy” or “I am grateful for everything in my life” isn’t going to get you the results you want.
When these affirmations don’t resonate with your true feelings, they create dissonance that you experience as insincerity, frustration, and resignation.
To avoid creating discord within yourself, it is important to make sure your positive words are rooted in how you truly feel.
The Importance of Reliability
Authenticity is key to genuine emotional change.
Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS) And that Scale of Positive and Negative Experiences (SPANE) These are tools used to measure well-being and emotional states. Studies using these scales have shown that genuine positive emotions have a greater impact on overall well-being than forced positivity.
In particular, SPANE values both positive and negative experiences and recognizes that the full range of emotions contributes to an authentic and fulfilling life.
This research emphasizes that embracing the full range of emotions, even those we classify as negative, is essential to true happiness.
In other words, acknowledging what you’re not grateful for is just as important as acknowledging what you are blessed with.
The misconception of always being positive
The “gratitude industry” often promotes the misconception that we should always be grateful, regardless of the situation.
At every industry conference, there’s a keynote speaker who states this clearly or gives a talk so inspiring that we can’t help but hear the message.
This unhealthy pressure to maintain a positive outward attitude, even when we’re struggling, undermines the authenticity of our emotions and inhibits our ability to process and move through difficult experiences.
The last year has been brutal for those of us in real estate, and it’s hard not to talk about the things we should be grateful for.
It’s important to understand that “shoulds” come with a heavy burden: Every time we feel like we should be grateful, we enter a world of comparison, judgment, and potential guilt.
This external standard can create a sense of inadequacy because we are comparing ourselves to an arbitrary standard that often does not match our personal experiences and feelings. Seeing what passes for reality on the social media circuit only compounds the impact of this kind of comparison.
The power of acknowledging negative emotions
True gratitude comes naturally from a place of acceptance and appreciation, not from a sense of obligation.
Practicing mindfulness is a simple and reliable way to notice and give space to emotions and feelings that might otherwise be considered “negative.”
If you want to live powerfully, you need this practice (it takes practice) of allowing yourself to be angry when you are angry, to be disappointed when you are disappointed, to be afraid when you are afraid.
Brene Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and shame, emphasizes the importance of honesty and self-compassion. She argues that suppressing negative emotions in favor of the positive leads to feelings of guilt.
Rather, she advocates embracing all emotions as part of the human experience.
Mel Robbins also touches on this concept, saying, “When you stop trying to control your emotions and instead allow them to be, you reach greater confidence and clarity. You stop living reactively based on ‘shoulds’ and start living with purpose.”
When gratitude is genuine, it transforms our experience.
But for it to be authentic, it has to come naturally, which means being able to feel whatever you’re feeling without judgment.
It’s about recognizing and appreciating what is truly meaningful to us, without the compulsion of “should.”
The role of mindfulness
The consistent practice of mindfulness allows us to become aware of our present experience without judgment. This skill allows us to move from upset to upset, from anger to rage.
This subtle shift in perspective can be life-changing, allowing us to approach our emotions in a healthier, more compassionate way.
Practical steps to develop true gratitude
To develop true gratitude, we must start with where we are, even if it means admitting that we are not grateful.
This may seem counterintuitive, but it’s crucial to allowing gratitude to naturally arise. Here are some practical steps to help you on this journey:
- Acknowledge negative feelingsStart by acknowledging what you’re not grateful for. This doesn’t mean dwelling on the negative feelings, but recognizing and naming what’s causing you distress.
- Practice mindfulness: Practice mindfulness for 10 to 15 minutes each day. Focus on observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
- Balancing the positives and negatives: When reflecting on your experiences, aim for balance. For example, for every two things you’re grateful for, acknowledge one thing you’re not grateful for. This will create space for a more honest and complete emotional experience.
- Be kind to yourselfRemember, there is no “right” way to feel. Be kind and compassionate to yourself as you manage your emotions. When you make room for gratitude, genuine gratitude will come naturally.
The benefits of sincere gratitude
Genuine gratitude, as opposed to forced positivity, has many benefits to our well-being. Research using SPANE Research on other emotions has shown that genuine, positive emotions have a significant impact on our happiness and satisfaction with life.
Allowing yourself to feel and express your full range of emotions allows you to better process and integrate your experiences, leading to a more balanced and resilient emotional state.
How to have a resilient mindset
In today’s turbulent market environment, every coach will tell you the importance of having a resilient mindset, but they won’t tell you how to get there. Here’s how:
True gratitude strengthens relationships, fosters genuine appreciation and connection with others, and improves mental health by reducing feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
While the “act it till you make it” approach may be effective in building self-confidence and inspiring action, it falls short in the realm of gratitude and affirmation.
Honesty is essential for true emotional change. Acknowledging your emotions, even the negative ones, makes room for genuine gratitude to arise naturally.
By practicing mindfulness along with being kind and compassionate towards yourself, you can cultivate a more honest and fulfilling emotional environment.
True gratitude, rooted in genuine awareness and gratitude, has great benefits for our well-being and relationships.