Dale Carnegie, a self-made giant of self-help, swore by the social power of his name. While saying someone’s name, he wrote: How to win friends and influence peopleit was like a magic spell, the key to closing deals, garnering political support, and being generally well-liked. According to Carnegie, Franklin D. Roosevelt was elected president in part because his campaign manager addressed voters by name. Steel magnate Andrew Carnegie (no relation) reportedly secured deals by naming companies after at least one competitor and potential buyer, and by calling factory workers by their first names. The company said it maintained employee morale. Dale Carnegie warned his readers, “If you don’t do this, you’re going to get into trouble.”
According to Carnegie’s scale, many people are at serious risk. It’s not that they don’t remember what their friends and acquaintances are called. In fact, saying their name makes them feel anxious, nauseous, or just plain awkward. In 2023, a group of psychologists named this phenomenon: Alexinomia. Those who feel it most acutely may avoid calling someone by their first name under any circumstances. For some people, alexinonia is strongest toward those closest to them. For example, I have no problem with most names, but when I’m alone with my sister, saying her name feels like I’m giving away a secret, even though I keep saying her name. It can feel weird and embarrassing. For almost 25 years. Some people can’t bring themselves to say the name of their wife, boyfriend, or best friend. It can feel too vulnerable, too formal, or too awkward. Dale Carnegie knew something. There’s a certain power in names. How we use or avoid them can be a surprising window into the nature of our relationships and how we seek to form them.
The social function of names in Western society is an outlier in many ways. In many cultures, it is rude to say someone else’s name, especially if they are of a higher status than you. Your siblings, parents, and even your spouse may never say your name. Selecting relational conditions (Auntie) or an unrelated nickname (small cabbage) is the default. American salespeople, on the other hand, are trained to say the customer’s name over and over again. This is also a common tactic for building trust in business pitches, telemarketing calls, first dates, and more.
In Western norms, avoiding names can be a source of distress. For years, psychologist Thomas Ditty and his colleague Lisa Wersik at the Sigmund Freud University in Vienna had been listening to clients describe their troubles saying other people’s names. In a 2023 study that coined the term, AlexinomiaDitye and his colleagues interviewed 13 German-speaking women who they felt could relate to this phenomenon. One woman said that when she was younger, she could not name her classmates, but that this problem became more pronounced after she met her husband. “Even now, it’s still hard for me to call him by his name. I always say ‘you’ and ‘hey’ and things like that,” she said. in the study In the paper, published last year, Diti and his colleagues searched online English discussion forums and found hundreds of posts from men and women around the world describing how strange it felt to say their names. Found it. The team also Questionnaire about alexinomiaprompts such as “I feel exposed when I say the name of someone I like” and “I like to use nicknames with friends and family so I don’t use my first name.”
Names are a special feature of the conversation because they are almost always optional. UCLA sociology professor Stephen Klayman said that if a conversational element is not grammatically necessary, its use is likely to be socially meaningful. Clayman is I studied A study of broadcast news journalists’ use of names in interviews found that saying someone’s name can indicate that you’re speaking from the heart, even if you don’t say it directly. However, the meaning of saying a name can change depending on what is happening at the moment someone says the name and who is saying it. We all know that if your mom uses your name, it usually means you’re in trouble. Even just changing the position of a name in a sentence can emphasize a disagreement or make a statement more hostile. “Sheila, look at this” might sound much friendlier than “Look at this, Sheila.” And of course, if someone says your name too much, it will sound like an alien pretending to be human. “People with alexinomia may have an intuition that using a name means taking a stand and doing something. That’s true, but maybe it’s not what they intended. “Maybe that’s the case,” Kleiman said. Others may misinterpret your saying your name as a sign of intimacy or hostility. Why not avoid the problem?
In his case studies and Internet forum reviews, Diti noticed that many people mentioned stumbling over the names of the people they had the closest relationship with, such as me or my sister. Although it may sound counterintuitive, saying the name of someone you’re already close to is “so personal and emotional that it makes you feel uncomfortable” compared to saying the name of a stranger, Ditty said. told me. Perhaps the stakes are higher or intimacy may be exaggerated with a loved one. Forum participants agreed that avoiding the name of a loved one is a way to preserve intimacy, but in some cases the opposite is true. “I think this is common among close couples,” one person wrote. “That’s good.” Using the name of the person closest to you may come across as impersonal, like a used car salesman trying to close a deal. Saying your boyfriend’s name seems formal and revealing. But his nickname, Strabismus, makes it less awkward.
Alexinomia is a mostly harmless quirk of human experience. (For example, Diti said, problems can arise in rare cases if you can’t call out a loved one’s name when pulling into a driveway.) Still, avoid saying the name of the person closest to you. If you do, it can skew their perception of how you feel about them. One of Diti’s study participants said she was upset that her husband couldn’t tell her his name. It made him feel unloved.
As Dale Carnegie wrote, “A man’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in all the languages.” Overcoming the discomfort and simply saying the name every once in a while can help someone you love. It can remind you that you care. Even if it’s uncomfortable, by saying someone else’s name, you are also giving a part of yourself.
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