What’s the secret to a happy marriage? One simple word

What is a Good Marriage?

That’s a question that popped up at a small dinner gathering a while ago. There were 2 pairs.

“We need to find ways to serve each other,” said one husband.

“It helps to remember that you are on the same team,” added the young wife. It’s not you vs them. You want to fight for your marriage together.

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“Share each other’s passion,” exclaimed a third couple. “If you don’t like what other people enjoy, learn more about it. You might find you like it after all.”

I loved everything they said. Simple words say a lot and reinforced what I read about marital satisfaction.

Kindness is the Key to Marriage Satisfaction

You may think that the secret to a successful union lies in other things. Perhaps good communication, or sexual compatibility. Or you don’t have money issues, or in-law issues.

Study Shows Having a Generous Mindset – Appreciating Your Spouse intentioneven if the execution is unstable – is important.

Of course, all these things are important. But when it comes to predicting long-term stability and satisfaction in a marriage, kindness is paramount.

Kindness is important.

And it’s not just about bringing your spouse coffee in the morning (although researchers at the National Marriage Project value little things like “I love you”). Having a Mindset – Appreciating Your Spouse intentioneven if the execution is unstable – is important.

For example, your husband may not have been “deliberately” trying to annoy you when he left the toilet seat up. Maybe he’s just dazed. Your wife may not be late for dinner on purpose. Maybe she had to stop by the store to pick up your gift.

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(As someone who often keeps his spouse waiting but rarely shows up with a gift, I should tell you that I didn’t make up these examples. Obtained from one of the psychologists at “Love Lab.” Did. )

About kindness: It’s not about whether we have it or not. (Christine Gassner)

But you get the idea. Instead of keeping an eye out for your spouse’s mistakes, look for things to appreciate and say “thank you.” Be deliberately respectful. As the Bible says, humbly put your spouse before yourself, not your own interests.

But… what if I’m not such a nice person?

I can imagine what some of you are thinking. I read the research and thought the same thing. “I want to be nicer to Robbie,” I said to myself.

(It’s true. My husband is much more thoughtful and generous than I am. To me and to others. As I often say, ‘Maybe I’ll make friends for us.’ But Robbie is the one who keeps them.”)

But about kindness: The Bible says that kindness comes with our salvation because the Holy Spirit changes our hearts. Kindness, like all other God-given attributes, is available to all of us.

According to a Wall Street Journal article published a few months ago, prayer can make a difference, even if one or both partners are unkind. (AP Photo/Oxford Eagle, Bruce Newman)

It works like a muscle and gets stronger the more you use it.

And it is also strengthened by prayer.

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In fact, this leads to other interesting marriage studies. According to a Wall Street Journal article published a few months ago, prayer can make a difference, even if one or both partners are unkind. “Both the praying and praying partners report greater relationship satisfaction when they pray for their spouse’s well-being when feeling negative emotions in their marriage.”

“Increased relationship satisfaction.” It sounds very important and official. But let’s be clear.

If you’re angry with your spouse, don’t get mad at him for leaving the toilet seat up, for being late, or whatever. Pray for them instead.

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It will make both of you happy.

Heavenly Father, may we be kind and considerate to one another, just as you have forgiven us in Christ.Ephesians 4:32).

Amen

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