“Are you a boy or a girl?” the 5-year-old asked, staring at me, waiting for an answer. I froze. I worked mostly with middle and high school students, and was not yet accustomed to the open curiosity of younger students. I was caught off guard.
It was 2022, I had just been hired as the principal of an all-girls elementary school in New York, and it was time for my first visit to the school to meet the students, staff, and families.
“I’m a girl,” I said with a smile, trying to contain my discomfort, before slipping away to talk to some other students. The moment was short-lived, but it stayed in the back of my mind for the rest of the day.
When I got home, my wife and I debriefed and shared the exciting moments from our visit: learning about the school culture, seeing the teachers at work, and meeting the amazing new students. As I mentioned my experience with the kindergarten students, my wife picked up on my anxiety and asked how I felt about it.
Looking back, I found myself wondering aloud what it would be like to lead an all-girls primary school as a masculine-looking queer woman, worried that the community would not accept a woman in a suit and tie leading my daughter’s school. So DifferentMy wife reassured me that my individuality was valuable and that my students would love and respect me just as they had when I was a teacher.
Since becoming an elementary school principal, I’ve had so many students ask me that same innocent but awkward question, and I still don’t have a perfect answer for it. But each time, it reminds me that young people are constantly searching for their identity, and that part of my job is to foster a community where curiosity, individuality, and diversity are seen as assets.
To create this kind of inclusive community, I want to develop thoughtful responses that encourage students to develop their own worldviews, that help them consider why this question has come to them and understand how to ask thoughtful questions about identity.
The search for identity is a key part of childhood and adolescence and needs to be supported when working with young people. Identity Development and Positive self-concept For social and emotional development. Because we are an all-girls school, gender identity is something we think about a lot, and it starts early. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics: Children typically develop a sense of their gender identity by age four.As children explore, they often express curiosity about aspects of their own identity and the identities of others in their community.
Most of the staff and students at our school identify as girls or women. But we are not all the same. We each show up and express our identity in our own way. There is more than one way to express a girl or woman. So how can we create an environment that embraces diversity and difference in a space structured around a shared gender identity?
As a leader, I believe that to create this environment, you must start with yourself.
As I considered how to respond when a student asked me about my identity, I was thinking about where my anxiety comes from, and recently realized it stemmed from a traumatic experience I had as a student. Now I am a school leader, but I was once a child looking for a safe place to be myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t find it at school. Instead, I experienced rejection and prejudice, and endured years of racist and homophobic bullying. Having cleared away the emotional debris caused by these experiences, I now have a critical perspective on what our young people are experiencing in schools today.
Being misunderstood at a young age and the homophobia I’ve experienced for being open about my identity as a queer educator fuel my passion to create a space where girls can just be without the fear of being boxed in. I feel an incredible responsibility to lead a school community that expands the definition of what it means to be a girl, supports all the identities my students bring to the classroom every day, and empowers them to become adults who are a light to their community.
To be clear, I am not saying that all students should question their gender, but rather, I am suggesting that all students should have safe spaces to explore their identities, question them, discuss their identities openly, and learn about people who are like them and those who are not.
When I model vulnerability and authenticity as a leader, I encourage others to do the same. The challenge? Leaders like me aren’t often encouraged to show vulnerability. As a young, Black, queer woman in a school leadership role, embracing vulnerability has felt scary at times.
While facilitating open conversations about identity is important and can lead to acceptance and support, it can also lead to backlash. For example, I’ve worked in schools for almost 10 years, and every place I’ve taught, I’ve received backlash from families for celebrating or acknowledging Pride Month in response to activities that promote inclusivity for LGBTQ+ people because they felt it was inappropriate. Each time, I’ve assured families that we value an inclusive curriculum and that everything we teach is to support our students.
While these feelings are personally hurtful, they are not my primary concern. This is not just about me. This is about my students and staff and the environment we foster for them — an environment where everyone can bring their whole selves to school. Our students have a right to attend a school where they are encouraged to learn about their own identities and the identities of others.
The school was established to provide a powerful experience of educating girls in a public school environment. The International Consortium for Girls’ Schools studies the impact of girls’ schools around the world.Assert Girls’ schools are uniquely positioned to develop girls as leaders because they are honest with their students about the real world. If we don’t allow girls to have conversations about identity, their voices are forced into a flat box. Being a girl, or woman, is not monolithic. The beauty of a space dedicated to and led primarily by women lies in the diversity of who we are, how we show up, and how we support girls.
I want to create a learning environment that fosters curiosity and promotes diversity, not one that encourages everyone to be the same. This requires students to be true to themselves, even if it means they might face backlash, because I know I am creating a space where they can one day be proud of who they are.
From now on, when my students ask me questions about identity, such as “Am I a boy or a girl,” I will ask them questions to start a conversation before giving my answer. I will ask them why they are asking and why this question is being directed at them. I will take their curiosity as an opportunity to encourage them to articulate their own thoughts about identity, because in an all-girls school, we don’t tell girls what to think, we teach them how to be critical thinkers and agents of change.
