Holidays can be a time of parties, events, dinners, outings, gatherings, impromptu meetings, and stress. Is it really an obligation to say “yes” to every invitation? Will she be banned for life if she doesn’t attend Aunt Tilly’s annual Ugly Sweater Party? It can feel like a risk to decline an invitation with an eagerly anticipated RSVP.
wait a minute! Refusing an invitation doesn’t necessarily have the harsh consequences that are often feared (especially at this time of year). A research group led by Julian Zivi, a psychologist and assistant professor at West Virginia University, asked participants to find out whether hosts’ reactions to rejected invitations were really as bad as invitees feared. conducted a series of experiments. In the experiment, those who declined the invitation were not charged with a crime or blacklisted by the inviter. It turns out that the host wasn’t as upset as the invitee thought if someone couldn’t make it.
“Invitees should be aware of things like how much their refusal will upset the invitee, whether it will show that the invitee doesn’t care about them, and whether the invitee will be less likely to offer another invitation in the future.” , our concerns are exaggerated,” the researchers said in the paper. study Published by the American Psychological Association.
You’re invited…now what?
Why are we so nervous that if we decline an invitation our social life will disappear? One obvious reason is that they don’t seem to care about their hosts. The research team also believes there is an additional explanation behind this. That is, we mentally exaggerate how much attention we pay to invitees being turned down, and how much they take into account what’s going on in our heads and lives. is underestimating. From this, it is thought that no matter what excuse the invitee makes, there is no way they will understand.
These insecurities cause us to reluctantly drag our feet to holiday movies, dinners, or the infamous ugly sweater parties, and say yes to every invitation, even if it ultimately leads to holiday burnout. I often end up saying that.
To determine whether our fears are justified, the psychologists who conducted the study focused on three things. The first was turning down invitations to participate in fun social activities, such as ice skating in the park. The second focus was on the extent to which invitees exaggerated the expected consequences of declining. Finally, the third focus was on invitees exaggerating how much the host was affected by the rejection itself, as opposed to the inviter’s reasons for declining the invitation.
The show (or party, etc.) must go on
A total of five experiments were conducted to assess whether people who declined an invitation felt unnecessarily anxious. In these experiments, the inviter was the subject who had to decline the invitation, and the host was the subject tasked with responding to the declined invitation.
In the first experiment, subjects were asked to imagine that an imaginary friend had invented a museum exhibit, but they declined the invitation. The invitee then had to explain the possible negative consequences of saying no. The other participants in the experiment were asked to imagine themselves asking out a friend who had rejected them, and to report how they would feel at that moment.
Most people who imagined themselves as the invitees overestimated the host’s reaction.
Invitees predicted that rejected hosts would experience anger and disappointment and believe that the invitees did not care enough about the hosts. In the long run, we also expected that our relationship with our hosts would suffer. They were not particularly concerned about not being invited to future events or that organizers would retaliate by turning them down if they extended an invitation.
The remaining four experiments slightly changed the situation, measured these same potential outcomes, and obtained similar results. The second experiment used a real-life couple, a host and an invitee, who actually invited and rejected each other, rather than an imaginary one. The invitees once again overestimated how negative the host’s reaction would be. In the third experiment, external observers were asked to read the invitation and rejection summaries and predict the host’s reaction. Observers once again thought that the invitees would react much more negatively than they actually did.
In the fourth experiment, the stakes were even higher, as subjects were asked to imagine an invitation-and-rejection scenario involving a real friend, even if they weren’t participating in the experiment. Invitees had to predict how negative their friend’s reaction would be to their response and their friend’s opinion of why they declined. Inviters had to describe their reactions to rejection and anticipate their expectations for how their friends would react. Invitees were more likely than hosts to predict negative reactions.
Finally, in the fifth experiment, subjects worked individually, this time in the shoes of both the host and the inviter. They had to read and respond to the invitation rejection scenario from the perspective of both roles. The processing order of hosts and invitees was random. Those who have taken on the role of host are likely to predict a very negative reaction to a declined invitation when asked later, as hosts are typically empathetic to why someone cannot attend. The first thing I noticed was that it was low.
overrated
Despite their differences, these experiments all point in the same direction. “Consistent with our theory, invitees tended to overestimate the negative impact of declining an invitation,” the researchers said. Said In the same study.
Clearly, Aunt Tilly won’t be too disappointed if her favorite niece or nephew can’t make it to this year’s ugly sweater party. Some events just happen to be scheduled at particularly inconvenient times. However, the study did not examine the impact of declining invitations to more important but less frequent events, such as weddings and baby showers. Based on the results of smaller events, the thought of turning down such an invitation can be even more worrying. The important question is whether organizers will become less understanding of large events.
Givi and his team still point out that accepting the invitation can have a positive impact. Humans benefit from being with others, but isolation can be harmful. Still, we must remember that too much of a good thing can be too much. Everyone needs time to recharge. Even though being invited somewhere can create a heavy sense of obligation, unless your aunt is an exception, turning down one or two invitations probably won’t spell the end for your vacation.
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2023. DOI: 10.1037/pspi0000443.supp
