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“Maybe you should sleep downstairs for a while when we get home.” I heard myself saying the words, but I couldn’t believe what I was saying. We should have just hung out by the pool like other couples or not done this and talked about how much we love each other without fighting.
My wife Jody and I were traveling across the country to attend the first marriage retreat with some of my greatest professional heroes. We had been married for 10 years, and I was in my fifth year as a therapist. Of all the things I imagined would happen at the retreat, a huge fight was not one of them.
I actually get a chance to prove my talent as a therapist and at the same time show off that I have a great marriage, one that is apparently free of the problems that most couples face. I was thinking along these lines. Yet, during breaks between sessions, I volunteered to sleep in the basement.
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The fact that I chose to sleep in an old, freezing cold murphy bed in the basement with two springs in the middle of the mattress was bad enough, but why was it even worse? Did I say that? I told her wife that maybe she should sleep downstairs because I didn’t know what else to say.
Jason Vanruler and his wife, Jody, have learned not to run away from problems. Photo: Jason, Jody and their kids and dog. (Wes Eisenhauer photo)
The discussion had now reached a stage where it seemed that the only strategic recourse left to me was to flee.
The problem was that I kept running away from big problems for a while, so the number of problems was increasing. Plus, running was something I was good at, so he kept doing it for a lot longer than he was working as a therapist. So, at that moment when I was convinced there was no solution, my solution was an old bed in the basement.
My wife and I barely spoke during the rest of the break, acting like two people who barely knew each other. It hurt and I knew we needed to talk about it, but with the next session coming up, it was time to change my mind and act like nothing had happened.
But on our way back to the retreat, I ran into two guys who were my heroes, the conference organizers. They asked how we were doing. And it’s very hard to avoid that, not in a “I don’t actually care” kind of way, but in a “just answer honestly” kind of way.
So, for the first time in a while, I told others the truth about what we were really stuck with. I was very scared, but at that time I told my truth and asked for help.
Jason VanRuler’s book “Beyond the Past.”
Why is it so hard to ask for help? When we’re struggling, it’s better to project a positive image than to let others know how things are really going. I often think it’s easy. On the other hand, if we keep most of our negativity hidden away and get better at practicing quiet resentment, we will appear to have healthier relationships. At least from the outside. But in the end, we know the truth, but maybe we just don’t know how to change it.
The day of our fight was actually the first day of our marriage retreat, even though it had been several days since the meeting started. After telling the truth to men I’ve admired for a long time, my wife and I were able to be truly honest and authentic. We talked vulnerable about loving each other, but we also talked about significant recurring conflicts that never seemed to be resolved.
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In that space we found support and began to get the help we needed to grow. Things did not change for us immediately, but the seeds were planted and now everything looks completely different.
Before that marriage retreat, I wish I had known what I learned from that experience. There are three main things I would like to share with her:
Jason VanRuler, author of Get Past Your Past, lists three things he wishes he’d known before having a huge fight with his wife, Jodi.
1. Silence will not resolve the impasse.
If you get stuck, you need to talk to someone who can help you get through it.
2. Every couple has problems.
seriously. Having been a therapist for over 10 years, this is true in every relationship I’ve seen, no matter how healthy. Normalizing the fact that relationships are difficult can help you work with your partner toward something better.
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My wife and I barely spoke during the rest of the break, acting like two people who barely knew each other. It hurt and I knew we needed to talk about it, but with the next session coming up, it was time to change my mind and act like nothing had happened.
3. The quality of your relationships is determined by your willingness to grow and change.
The best relationships we build are ones that are growth oriented, relationships that are committed to getting the job done along the way.
I’ve never slept on that murphy bed, but I’m so grateful for it. Sure, there were tears and many more difficult conversations after that weekend, but the lessons I took home were essential for the couple. That means if you don’t ask for help, you probably won’t get it.
