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Choosing divorce can sometimes seem the easier path for a struggling couple. My wife, Cathy, and I have been married for over 40 years, but there were many times during those first 27 years when both she and I wanted to end our marriage.
Thankfully, we didn’t both want a divorce at the same time, one of us was always ready to fight for our family.
In the two years before we found out we were expecting our second child, we had been on the brink of divorce not just a few times, but countless times. If we had chosen this path, especially if we had given up early on, our lives would likely not be the same as they are today.
For anyone considering such a life-changing choice, it’s important to stop and think about what is truly important in marriage. (iStock)
For anyone considering such a life-changing choice, it’s important to pause and reflect on what’s truly important in marriage. Here are five key insights I’d like to share with young couples considering married life.
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Communication is key
The foundation of any successful relationship is open and honest communication. When problems arise, it’s important to sit down and have difficult conversations with your life partner. For most of our first 30 years, we failed miserably at this. Telling partial truths or bringing up past issues left Cathy severely isolated and me dominated. It didn’t help me or make me a better leader. Looking back, I was weak.
Avoiding conflict and hiding it only created more resentment in Cathy’s heart. My way of making up was through sex. I thought once that was done, it would be over, but for Cathy, it wasn’t. I had no idea because at the time she wasn’t ready to deal with me and my controlling nature. For me, it was pure survival.
Just like on a date, sharing your thoughts, feelings, and fears in a calm, loving environment will help you listen to each other, find solutions, and strengthen your bond in the process.
Remember, your spouse is not your enemy. Start the conversation with that in mind. You might even start with a little prayer, such as, “Lord, help us to have tender hearts for one another and to understand one another better” in Jesus’ name.
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Remember, the key is to learn how to overcome conflict, not avoid it. I’ve heard the saying, “If we always agree, we don’t need one another.”
Seek support and guidance
No couple has all the answers, especially when times are so difficult. Don’t be afraid to ask for support from trusted friends and couples who seem to be doing well, especially those who have been married longer than you and who you hope will be like your future marriage. You can also ask family members for help.
You want someone who will take sides in your marriage, so be careful not to get involved with people who take sides. One solution is to see a professional counselor, but be sure that the person is right for you and your partner.
Cath and I have had both good and bad counseling. Bad counseling can hurt you more than it helps. Make sure you ask basic questions before you make any decisions. We talk at length about the difference in our book. Surround yourself with people who uplift and encourage your relationships. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Jay Leno and his wife, Mavis, rely on their faith and family to get through life’s challenges: “It gets easier.”
Focus on the big picture
When considering divorce, it’s important to take a step back and think about the long-term impact of such a decision — not just on you and yourself, but on your family, your children, and future generations.
Shifting your focus from short-term difficulties to the legacy you want to leave behind may motivate you to push through the challenges and build a stronger, more resilient relationship. If we had divorced in the second year of our marriage, the impact on our family would have been devastating. Don’t give up!
Rediscover or find common values
During difficult times, it’s easy to lose sight of the values and beliefs that brought you together. Take the time to rekindle that connection. Revisit the areas you both value. Find common ground. Being stubborn won’t work. It never will!
For Cass and I, dedicating our relationship to a higher mission helped us realign our priorities and find a deeper meaning to our marriage and its purpose — whether that be through spiritual practices, shared interests, or common goals, find ways to strengthen our bond and nurture our connection.
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Embrace growth and change
Relationships, like individuals, change over time. Recognize that challenges can be opportunities to learn and change, and embrace the journey of mutual change together.
Instead of seeing challenges as negative obstacles, see them as opportunities to grow closer to one another. By adapting and growing together, with one mind and one heart, you can weather any storm and come out stronger for fighting for one another.
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The decision to stay married is not always easy. If approached with patience, understanding, and a willingness to grow, the rewards can be great. By prioritizing communication, seeking support, focusing on shared values, and embracing growth, most couples can get through the tough times and build long-lasting, fulfilling relationships.
Remember, love is a journey, it’s a commitment, and with dedication and patience, we can build a marriage that will stand the test of time. When we look back at the beauty of our marriage, we see that it was born from the strength of a Christ-centered union. Have we forgotten who created marriage?
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