Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. I have a question? Send it here to Athena and Elizabeth. (It’s anonymous!)
Mr. Paydirt
I’m a 27 year old woman. I grew up knowing that my parents and grandparents were comfortable and enjoyed a certain amount of privilege as a result. I went to private school, graduated college with no debt, and was given a large down payment on a starter apartment to share with a roommate. However, I also worked under the assumption that I had to make my own way in the world, had student jobs etc. like other colleagues, and applied to the same job market as everyone else when I graduated. My grandfather recently passed away and left me a small fortune. If you can invest it, you don’t have to work anymore. I don’t want to do this because I love my job.
My fiancé thinks this is what we should do. He’s in a band and is a talented musician, but he hasn’t gotten off the ground yet. Even before that, he worked only 20 hours a week to focus on music. He now wants to quit his job. I’m also hesitant to donate some of it to charity, although I would like this to continue to be a family tradition. I also noticed other changes, such as him wanting to eat at more expensive restaurants and treating servers differently. I think his lack of empathy is terrible considering we both worked jobs like this when we were students. We are engaged and I love him, but I’m concerned that his values have changed since he got this amount of money. I’m thinking of calling off the wedding, but I love him. help!
-Did money change him or did it change me?
The person whose money changed him or me,
I think your fiancé takes it for granted that your windfall is your shared money and not his own. you Hereditary. There are some things you have to work out on your own and with him. First, you need to determine whether you are happy with the role of essentially supporting his career. If so, you need to decide how long you intend to keep the job. I call the area of Brooklyn where I live “the land of dad bands.” That’s because there seem to be a disproportionate number of people in their 30s and people in their 40s who are full-time professional musicians in famous bands. Even among “successful” people, it’s hard to make a living. And on a numbers basis, most talented musicians will never get there. Therefore, you should have a serious conversation with your fiancé about what will happen if the band doesn’t take off and what his plans are for that possibility. If he responds with a clichéd response like “failure is not an option,” consider that a red flag. He needs a plan for what will happen if his music career takes a long time to take off or doesn’t work out at all. This plan should not be conditional on your willingness to use your inheritance to fund his ambitions.
Second, before you get married, you should come to some agreement about your values and how they will be reflected in your spending. I’m already a little worried about my fiancé’s values if I notice that he lacks empathy now that I’m financially comfortable. That’s a red flag. And the fact that he did nothing to earn the money he now believes he is entitled to makes that even more obvious. His disdain for charitable spending may also be reflected in his lack of consideration for others. If this is how money affects him now, what will happen when the band takes off and he becomes famous? Fame and money don’t corrupt everyone, but they do make people more It is indeed rare to be empathetic and less self-centered.
One way to solve this problem is to go see a financial planner together to get a realistic sense of what you should save and invest after marriage. Your fiance’s ambitions aren’t the only factor here. You may need an expert to help him understand that point. He has no right to ask you to quit a job you enjoy or tell you he can’t give you money. yours To charity. Your first priority is to make sure your inheritance provides you with the financial security that your grandfather probably intended when he left you the money. If you have money left over after making plans for that, you can consider whether you want to be your fiance’s artistic patron.
Either way, before you walk down the aisle, you should adjust how you think about saving and spending, and consider whether any divergence on that front is due to differences in how you view your future. If you feel like you’re going in completely different directions, you might want to reconsider whether you’re both right in the long run. Marriage requires love, but it also requires compatibility.
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Mr. Paydirt
I moved across the country for my dream job. I love it here, but the high cost of living here is eating away at me. My family can’t seem to understand it. They just think that because I make three times his average they have thousands of dollars on hand. They can’t understand that I can’t *just* pay for my parents to buy a new roof or my brother’s car. Last time I visited, I took 8 people to a nice restaurant. My sister-in-law invited her family and expected me to pay for the entire meal for 18 people. And they were throwing back drinks like sinners on the last Sunday before the rapture. It was a big and ugly incident as I refused to pay and they had to take out my wallet. My sister-in-law called me cheap and embarrassing. She also recently sent me her kids’ Christmas wish list, which was all about big-ticket items like gaming systems and dirt bikes. I’m so fed up with this that I don’t know how to respond other than to skip the holidays all together.
—Not Richie Rich
Dear Richie Rich
I think you need to be honest with your family and tell them that you are not in a position to pay for these costs. I live in New York City, but my family lives in rural Alabama where the cost of living is much lower, so I sympathize with your situation. But it helps that my family understands specifically what that means. Because my family knows how much it costs to rent an apartment here and when I visit from time to time I see how much my family pays for daily necessities. Transparency around costs won’t solve the problem, but it might alleviate it somewhat.
In any case, you are not responsible for what your family is trying to make you pay for. They seem to be taking advantage of what they perceive to be your good fortune rather than your hard earned money. Much of that money will immediately come back for housing. As for your sister-in-law, I think you should discuss your situation with your brother. And I think you should explain to your sister-in-law that you’re going to give the kids Christmas presents, but you’re not Santa. Klaus and you have a budget just like anyone else.
You should also set some boundaries with other members of your family and say no when asked. Be upfront about how you believe you have more disposable income than you actually do, but are tired of the pressure to pay for things you can’t afford. Emphasize that you are willing to help in a non-monetary way. It doesn’t really matter if you get a check or not. And if they’re mad that you don’t do that, I don’t think there’s much you can do to repair their relationship. An inflated sense of entitlement. If possible, wait until the other person understands and stop asking for money. The alternative is to continue spending at your own expense (both literally and figuratively). Your sister-in-law in particular doesn’t seem to be happy even if you buy her all a dirt bike and dinner for 18 people.
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Mr. Paydirt
I am a full-time housewife with a 3 year old and a baby. My sister-in-law and sister-in-law have 8-year-old daughters “Emma and Emily” and they both work on weekends. They rely on me for childcare, but I don’t get paid. In fact, no amount of money can keep me going. Emma and Emily are like water and oil. I can’t turn my back on them for even a second unless they conflict. Eventually, I had to partition my room into another room in the house, making it impossible to complete housework and errands. Their mother is worse. They each claim that the other girl is the problem and that I need to do something. The problem is that you only observe one girl at a time. They can tell which weekend it is. So now my family and in-laws are upset about this. My husband is in the military so there is not much he can do since she is on the other side of the world. I moved home expecting family support, not family feuds. help!
—end of the rope
Dear end of the rope,
This week’s theme for Pay Dirt seems to be families (or soon-to-be families) who believe they are owed something they don’t owe. In this case, your sister and sister-in-law are very nervous. It’s not your job to take care of the kids, and I don’t know how you’re going to do it with a 3-year-old and a baby while your husband is deployed.
You need to have a family meeting and tell your sister-in-law and sister that you need to find a permanent solution for weekend childcare other than you. Emily and Emma are lovely kids (I usually advise people not to lie, but this is acceptable), but you are exhausted and this is not sustainable. Next, you need to give them a deadline to resolve this issue themselves. Once the deadline has passed, I will not be able to take care of my nieces. Then, and this is the hard part, you have to force it. If you set a deadline in 6 weeks, give weekly reminders that you will no longer be available after that point. Make plans to be away from home the weekend of the deadline and let them know so they know you’re serious. Then leave the house. That way, if they show up thinking they’re trying to bully you, the door is locked and no one is home. Please alert any relevant third parties that you intend to do this. If they complain, tell them you’re exhausted and this isn’t your problem to solve. I didn’t sign up to raise her four children alone, even if it was just for the weekends. I doubt your sister or sister-in-law would be happy if you suddenly decided that you were responsible for caring for her 3-year-old and baby when you were home. If they protest, we will retaliate.
So here I give you the same advice I gave to the writer of the letter above. Expect that your sister and her sister-in-law will not like this decision and may actually be angry about it. Let them be mad and go about your business. please wait. If you don’t babysit them, they will find a solution to their problem. They have no choice. While they are busy stewing, you can get your errands and chores done and even take a well-earned nap.
–Elizabeth
classic prudy
When I first met my husband, he made it clear that he didn’t want children. I know it was wrong, but I exhausted him. Seven years ago he became a very reluctant father and three years later we had another child. It is now clear that we made a terrible mistake.
