newYou can now listen to Fox News articles.
I thought I was ready to send my firstborn off to college.
At the beginning of his senior year, I started collecting kisses. Every time he passed the kitchen on his way to school or on his way home from practice, I would point to my forehead or cheek and ask, “Kiss me more, Mom.” I guess I had to pretend that kiss hugged me after he left for college.
I also thought I because I was ready he Ready. To see the boy you bore step into the next chapter of his life with his head firmly on his shoulders and a solid foundation under his feet is such a joy and righteous. think. Yes, we are ready.
13 University Presidents Strengthen Freedom of Speech on Campus Ahead of Academic Year
But it’s been three days since we hugged each other goodbye in front of the dormitory, and my face is still wet with tears. I wasn’t ready.
When students head to college for the first time, it is a proud and sad moment for many mothers.
No one is prepared for this feeling. Even a year full of extra kisses can’t hold back tears. It’s strange to feel such conflicting feelings. Excitement, sadness, happiness, loss, pain, pride, peace, wanting more time, looking forward to all that is to come, these feelings make me feel okay or not okay. I do.
I am grateful that we can be in complete peace about where he has chosen to spend the next four years (five years, to be honest). He’s an Auburn man now, and we couldn’t be more proud of what he’s become. But unfortunately I will miss his daily presence deeply! I think that’s what causes the most pain. The everydayness of his existence.
I miss the daily emails and little things like “When will you be back from practice?” or “What do you think would be good for dinner?” I miss that overwhelming feeling of relief when he pulls up in the driveway, knowing he’s home safely. Oh, how I miss him so warmly every night, “I love you, Mom,” as I headed to bed long before him.
I will dearly miss all of this, but at the same time look forward with hopeful anticipation to what comes next for him. Now we get to see him move through adolescence and use all the seeds we planted and all the tools we provided to satisfy his thirst for purpose and meaning.
A few hours into the long drive home from Auburn, my cell phone rang with a text message from my best friend. She knew me well and she knew this day would not be easy.
“Mommy, how are you?”
I replied by explaining how my eyes were puffy and swollen as I had just said goodbye to my son a few hours earlier. “I will miss him so much.”
Her reply was simple yet profound. “You left it all on the field!” With just one word, you not only comforted me in my grief, but also made me understand why I felt that way.
I left everything in the field. That’s why I’m neither okay nor okay. I was doing my best. I never got lost in him or his life. I just played with all my heart. i gave him everything i had. I always will.
As a mother of five boys who all play sports, the analogy makes sense to me.
Just because he left everything on the field doesn’t mean he played perfectly. It never was. I often dropped the ball and sometimes fumbled. that’s ok. it’s part of the game. We make mistakes, ask forgiveness, learn from our mistakes, and get back in the game.
But sometimes I caught the ball and scored a first down. Sometimes he even scored a touchdown. We have been and will continue to be a great team.
When I feel like ruminating that I would have acted differently as his mother, I go back to the idea that I left everything on the field.
This does not mean that my identity was tied to being his mother. It wasn’t. My identity is to be an unconditionally loved child of God. I know that children cannot and should not carry the burden of being the place where their parents find their worth and value.
This doesn’t mean I have to succeed in school or sports, just as it means I will succeed as a mother. Neither his successes nor his struggles are a measure of how well I did or did not work as a mother.
I know this: What I do right and what I do wrong do not determine what my child will become. Yes, I play an important role in his life. My words and actions are very important. But God’s sovereignty over my son’s life takes precedence over my importance in his son’s life. What I have done is important. But what God can do is supreme. And his wild grace covers us both!
Also, since this is a team sport, I cannot take credit for my son’s strong character and humble confidence. His father, brother, grandparents, extended family, coaches, our church community, and close friends were all on the field as well. And they were extraordinary.
But most of all, God was our coach. He was our leader and he brought us together. And of all the things I did wrong, this is one thing I got right. I left everything on the field and entrusted the results of our efforts to God. I trusted God with the Son He entrusted to me. God knows what my son needs next season. He loves his son in ways I don’t understand. He has a better, bigger plan for my son than the one I was under pressure to plan for him.
CLICK HERE FOR MORE FOX NEWS OPINIONS
Friends who sent their children to college before me told me that over time, it became easier to let them go and the relationship improved. It gives me hope! Grieving for what was gone, I chose to believe they were right.
I should also mention that this is not my first college dropout. You see, four years ago we welcomed a young man from Haiti into our family. He grew up in the Danita Children’s Home in Haiti, and we got to know him through our many visits to the orphanage, so when he graduated from high school in Haiti, we brought him to America. I went and took him into his family. sent him to college.
A few hours into the long drive home from Auburn, my cell phone rang with a text message from my best friend. She knew me well and she knew this day would not be easy. “Mommy, how are you?” I replied, explaining how my eyes were puffy and swollen because I had just said goodbye to my son just hours ago. “I will miss him so much.”
So there was no one to mourn or have to say goodbye to. Her husband and I were just so excited for her son’s future and grateful to have another wonderful son to love. André is now preparing to graduate from Lipscombe College and we are working with him to launch a non-profit organization that will provide similar educational opportunities to his siblings in an orphanage in Haiti. I’m here. I couldn’t be more proud that he turned into a young man.
CLICK HERE TO GET THE FOX NEWS APP
So maybe I morning Be prepared, and this strange mixture of happiness and sadness is not a bad thing.
Even though I’m no longer on the field with my oldest son, I’ll be cheering him on from the stands and praying stronger than ever as he embarks on this journey. I’ll try it with my eyes swollen for a while. Leave everything alone on the field, I think that’s what should happen. I am honored to do so with his three sons who are still at home.
Click here to read more about Jeanie Kanion
