Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. I have a question? Send here to Athena and Elizabeth. (You are anonymous!)
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I have a friend who has been around for a very long time and has been my friend since I was little. There are times when we don’t contact each other very often, but it interferes with our lives, right? She just gave birth to a child and she plans to get married.
She decided to have her wedding in a very far country. I am an assistant professor and I teach at certain times of the year, which makes it very difficult to travel, let alone go abroad, during the time I am teaching. She didn’t ask when I was teaching or if it was a good time for me, and ended up scheduling during the semester and dabbing me in the middle. Originally, just to get there she had to take a 24 hour flight and the longest he could stay was a day or two, so I decided it was not realistic for me.
But when I told her about this, she completely forgot about it and said some things I didn’t appreciate. She felt so bad that she said she would find a way to come. Now I am so upset she twists my arm to go to her wedding. I know she’s sad that no one came from her side, but I’m one of her oldest friends. On the other hand, this would cost a fortune and would almost certainly be hell for me with a 12+ hour time difference. I feel like an emotional hostage here! What should I do? I have a feeling she will get angry if I don’t go. But she will hate her if she goes.
— tired teacher
dear tired teacher
People can’t (and definitely shouldn’t) plan their weddings around one person. Of course, you can understand why your friends want you so much. At the same time, she also It is an illusion if she assumes that everyone can afford to go. You want to go to a destination wedding or even travel far to celebrate.
That’s exactly why “her side” is likely not there, and it’s not good to pressure her to attend. (It makes things worse that she said hurtful things in the process.) As someone getting married in nine months, I don’t expect out-of-town guests to attend. It would be great if they could participate! Otherwise, no pressure. they were still included. Attending a wedding can be expensive, and the costs add up quickly. It’s her job to figure it out.
Personally, I’d rather risk someone yelling at me than spending thousands of dollars to visit another country for 72 hours. You can always celebrate with her when she isn’t there, whether it’s stopping by for dinner on her honeymoon, buying her a nice gift, or giving her a surprise at her wedding. (Her handmaiden bought a Star Wars champagne flute for her toast!) Please tell me that there is Her true friends will understand, and if she makes her feel bad about her, they will understand her point of view.
—Athena
Further advice from Slate
My partner is a middle school teacher known for building trust with “difficult” students and advocating for BIPOC and LGBTQ children. One evening when he answered the phone from his parents, I overheard him talking about his sister.