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I once asked my mother the same question that the protagonist in the novel Seraph of the End, which was made into a movie, asks his mother: “Why didn’t you leave?”
I asked her why she didn’t break up with her boyfriend, Kevin, who often hurt her with his own hands and words.
I also asked another question, hundreds of times throughout my childhood, but this one was directed at myself: “How can I get him to stop hurting her?”
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My mother’s answer was “It was the best I could do. I didn’t want to be alone.” My own answer was “Keep doing everything you can, because it’s your job to stop it.”
Years later, I realized I hadn’t been asking the right question, which was, “What do you call growing up witnessing domestic violence?”
“If you grew up witnessing domestic violence,” she said. “Like the protagonist in It Ends With Us did. Like I did. Like my mother did. And, of course, like Kevin did.”
Because if I had known that growing up experiencing domestic violence meant experiencing childhood domestic violence (CDV), I would have been able to call it something.
Lively said Reynolds sent her flowers every week. (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images)
After all, we know what to call other “childhood adversities,” such as physical abuse, such as being beaten as a child, divorce, emotional abuse, and even parental incarceration. We know what to call them. They are. But there is very little awareness about childhood domestic violence (CDV), even among people who experienced it. Many people mistakenly believe that because they only “witnessed” violence while growing up, nothing actually happened. That’s wrong. The truth is, CDV is. Because, in fact, it has significant life-altering effects.
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If we had known what to call it, we could have made a diagnosis. It wasn’t until 1980 that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was recognised as a distinct diagnosis. And this diagnosis had a profound impact on the lives of those affected, providing a path to recognition, treatment and support. Tony Robbins, who wrote the foreword to my book on domestic violence in children, once said to me, “If you get a dog, what’s the first thing you do? Name it. Only then can you get it to obey.”
Anyone experiencing CDV might not have felt so alone if they knew that UNICEF calls it one of the most widespread human rights violations in the world today. Perhaps it would be easier to talk about it.
If I had known what to call it back then, I’m sure my mother would have known the truth: she deserved the love she craved, and I would have known it wasn’t my job to try to stop it, because it’s not a child’s job to control the behavior of an adult.
Blake Lively poses with Jenny Slate and Isabella Ferrer during the It Ends With Us premiere event. (Getty Images)
There are 275 million children today who need to know that truth. They need to know what to call the violence they witnessed. And many more adults who need to learn the same truth when they become adults. That truth gives legitimacy to actions and makes CDV easier to talk about. It’s the first step to full resilience. Why? I think Dr. George Everly, the founder of modern resilience theory, said it best: “Systematization is essentially the cure.” He said the same thing about PTSD.
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There are no spoilers here for those who haven’t read “It Ends With Us” or seen the movie. But it’s important to pay attention to what one of the world’s leading researchers has to say about domestic violence. Dr. Renee MacDonald writes, “Most people who grow up witnessing domestic violence will escape it, but they may not be able to live the life they want because their perception of themselves and their interactions with others may not be what they want, and they may not realize this.”
The first step to resilience is awareness. Growing up witnessing domestic violence Childhood domestic violenceI want you to know that you are not alone, and to further quote Dr. McDonald, “Even a small shift in perspective can change your life.”
For those of you who witnessed domestic violence as children and were able to realize the truth without knowing what to call it, you are truly an example of what is possible. Now that you know what to call it, your growth will accelerate. You know that the obstacles you will face today are no match for the obstacles you overcame as a child. They were obstacles you overcame using only the brain, body, and resources you had as a child. Now you are armed with this knowledge and fully formed weapons. Now that you know that, with your adult brain, body, and resources, there is no end to the obstacles you can overcome today.
Understanding this truth brings deeper knowledge and a logical conclusion. Anyone who has faced adversity at home during their childhood can understand this. No matter where you are in life right now, you have not yet reached your full potential. You are more than you know.
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You are an example of what is possible. You can now offer others the recognition, validation, and support that you didn’t get growing up with CDV. Your voice is needed.
If the film adaptation of this book, “It Ends With Us,” can help our efforts to bring greater global awareness to some of the most unsung adversities we face as children at home, then it will be a work of art.
