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Good evening, capitalist pigs. You know, there was a time when I loved my audience. You were the smartest, bravest, most unique group of people anywhere. Most of you were paper trained and could roll with the punches. It’s like a circus, except all the bearded women are participating in a swimming competition.
But then I picked up a copy of Forbes magazine in the gynecologist’s waiting room. They used to love their audience too. But no more. If you remember, this magazine used to be focused on helping readers invest their money, build wealth, and create a better life for themselves and their families. These were acquired by fronts of Chinese sovereign wealth funds. But I’m sure it won’t affect the perspective. right?
But now, thanks to Forbes, we finally understand that wealth is actually evil. Just like our readers.
This is from a magazine founded by Malcolm Forbes. He was such a busy man that he ate Faberge eggs for breakfast. And of course you know what that means. If capitalism is evil, that means America is also evil. That means you’re all bad guys. Like Shannon Bream. Yes, there are a lot of terrible people on Forbes. Take a look at some recent headlines. “Wake up, wake up, and lead change. Overcoming DE&I opposition.” Here author Aniela Unglesan taught me that my resistance to waking up is “Wake up, wake up, and lead change.” “Fear, fear of losing power and privilege” and, of course, one’s “prejudice and my prejudices.” Relief, right? I thought it was because I was allergic. I think Ungresan is the Mongolian word for Brooklyn Cat Lady, and she runs through ways to overcome this prejudice. She also includes transparent communication, like when she spoke to Kat on the phone through plexiglass in prison.
But on the left, transparent means of communication sit quietly while I scream at you. Another useful and informative article provided by Forbes magazine is: “Is War and Woke War a war on our country’s future?” Author Jeff Lakes argues that the right wants to strip homosexuals of their “hard-won human rights,” and that for conservatives, ” “What we’ve woken up to is a new communism. It’s a big, scary word that’s going to infuriate people and unite the opposing Republican caucuses.” ” Yes, Mr. Raikes is absolutely right. I didn’t know that all you bastards want is not to vote for gays. Aren’t you embarrassed? I personally would like to see voting made more gay-friendly, like having a booth with a glory hole. Now, now, now. If you think about it. If you think I make too many gay sex jokes aimed at teenagers, may I remind you that I have several gay men on my staff? The latest article about hating evil capitalists was published in Forbes. Mark Travers describes something called the “Wealth-Love Paradox.” He details some stupid studies linking getting rich and unethical behavior, including “a lax attitude toward rules, skewed and distorted ethical standards, consideration, and a desire to win.” This includes “excessive emphasis on”. It looks like my old Match.com profile.
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But in other words, wealthy people are the worst. So what is Forbes at this point? What was once a symbol of wealth is now losing the engine that kept it afloat. I haven’t seen a magazine insult its readers like that since Playboy featured Rosie O’Donnell. But you know, it’s not just Forbes. Recently, Wall Street has strongly favored donating to Democrats over Republicans. So what happens when illegal immigrants overwhelm schools? Their children go private. Did your daughter lose to a man in a bicycle race? Please buy her a fast Ferrari. Yeah. Even our affluent classes are infected with the virus of the woke mind. Perhaps it was due to eight COVID-19 vaccinations. So what in the name of Adam Smith is going on here? Well, clearly there is some serious self-loathing going on. I haven’t seen anyone criticize themselves so harshly since Carlos Danger. But the truth is, while they try to hide it in calls for equity and diversity, nothing excites progressives more than America’s success.
For all its flaws, this country remains the most successful experiment in human governance in history. Nowhere else can independence and hard work be so reliably rewarded. Where else can an African immigrant become the richest man in the world with just a brain and hair transplant? Does success happen every time? of course not. Does it happen to everyone? no. And even if it only causes trouble to society, it can sometimes be rewarding. But not everyone can have a hit book or a hit show and be sexy at the same time. thank you.
No, no, no, no. she’s not her. No, not him either. Who is this *** cameraman? Anyway, despite their whinny virtue signals, what the Forbes reporters can’t argue is that America’s capitalist system not only allows people here to achieve great success, but also that America is leading the world. This is also the reason why we continue to lead. Even if the current leaders are sometimes misguided. And that’s why someone is actually willing to pay to write these stupid clichés. But here’s great news for Forbes. U.S. household income has declined for the third year in a row, according to new census data. And, as the Wall Street Journal points out, rising housing costs and the economic downturn are causing more and more baby boomers to become homeless.
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So whose basement will their children end up living in? That solved the problem. Forbes seems to be doing the same. In the near future, rich people will no longer be able to do bad things because they will no longer exist. And we will all be truly good, though poor, because the poor are angels. Oh, and if Forbes has its way, we’ll all be taking financial advice from these guys.
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The bottom line is that America is not known for being a country with entirely equal outcomes. We are a land of opportunity. And opportunity means you have to work for it and earn it. And here, so many people from so many backgrounds could and still do. Take me, for example. I started out as a smart columnist for a small magazine, and now I own 10 slaughterhouses.
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However, this is why, with the exception of neighboring countries Paraguay and Loser Guay, there are no queues at all until entering Uruguay. So what do you know? I think I love you all again. And do you know why? Because you have achieved success. Regardless of what Forbes believes, no matter what level of American Dream you’ve achieved, you and your family are entitled to enjoy it from tonight’s show.
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