About two years ago, one of my psychiatric patients gave me a particular problem. He has depression and I couldn’t find a way to engage with him on a Zoom call, even though he was a regular chatter. He seemed to avoid eye contact, he remained silent and answered my questions briefly. I was afraid he would stop treatment, so he suggested something he rarely does with his patients: going for a walk.
We met in the park on a crisp autumn day and sat on a bench after finishing. There was also a group of workers among the few people nearby who were clearly enjoying themselves cleaning the premises and chatting loudly. When I tried to ask the patient about his studies, he kept looking at the staff without making eye contact with me. When we had just finished he burst into tears and said he was very lonely. I was relieved that he was the most open with me in months. Perhaps the sight of these cheerful young men reminded him of the painful loneliness he could not ignore. Or maybe the act of walking together finally gave him enough comfort to open up. Either way, it would never have happened on Zoom or in my office.
My experience with patients runs counter to the attention-heavy American mindset. In the workplace, some companies punish employees for staying too far away from their computers, while being praised for staying focused on the task at hand. With friends, we are expected to be active and engaged listeners, and this almost always requires us to be aware. Focusing on what people are saying and trying not to get distracted may seem like a way to fast-forward friendships and make meaningful connections. But in reality, that level of intensity can make it harder to feel connected to other people. Distracting sharing may be more powerful if you really want to nurture the relationship.
If you’ve ever softened an awkward social situation with irrelevant small talk or ice-breaking games, you already know the social benefits of distraction. In fact, some studies, while not investigating distractions per se, have suggested engaging in shared distraction activities such as: Gymnastics, can enhance feelings of social connection and joy. This is in stark contrast to the alienated, alone and together experience of people each engaging in distracting activities such as staring at their smartphones.
The mechanism by which distraction enhances our sense of social connection is unknown, but there are several plausible explanations. Engaging in physical activity, even light exercise like walking, related Greatly increases creative, divergent, and associative thinking. This is probably because movement takes our focus away from ourselves. Creative thinking, in turn, has the potential to advance conversations in unexpected ways, possibly activating novelty-pleasing neural reward pathways that make us even more pleased with each other’s presence. I guess. And you don’t necessarily have to move for the creative benefits of distraction: A 2022 study was announced in Nature I have found that simply paying attention to my environment improves my creative thinking.
The study also found that pairs working together virtually were less likely to notice their surroundings. Instead, they spent a lot of time looking directly at each other’s images. This is clearly not good conversation.Staring at a Social Partner’s Face is Cognitive and Emotional get tiredmay be a sign of domineering nature. While you’ve experienced the social benefits of being distracted, you’ve probably also noticed the social drawbacks of being too intense. years ago, hundreds of thousands Many people, myself included, went to the Museum of Modern Art to see the classical performance works of Serbian conceptual artist Marina Abramović. There she sat at a small wooden table and for several minutes stared silently and impassively into the face of the seated visitor. across from her. The encounter was unpleasant at best and harsh at worst. Abramović emphasized its importance by stripping away nearly all stimuli and props around her.
The discomfort of prolonged eye contact helps explain why it’s so hard to have conversations that look natural and foster friendships on platforms like Zoom and FaceTime. These platforms largely remove the rich world of distractions and force us to stare into the faces of our social partners. But for most of us, some degree of virtual connection is inevitable. For example, a recent study from the Pew Research Center found that Estimate More than 30 percent of employed American adults continue to work primarily via Zoom, with many more working hybrid schedules. But even if you can’t be physically with your friends and loved ones, you can still take advantage of the social benefits of distraction.
One idea is to simply turn off the camera and remove the option to stare into each other’s pixelated eyes. At the height of the pandemic, I taught a class on Zoom to residents and got very annoyed when they switched off the video. I thought they were zoned out, but maybe they were stretching or walking around their apartment to get a little distraction and enrich the Zoom experience. I can’t. The reason I felt annoyed was because it was one-sided. If we were all off camera together, we might have had a better, more creative dialogue. Conversely, leave your video on and choose a background to start the conversation, take your conversation partner on a virtual tour of your surroundings, or play a game together. Don’t get mad like me when your friends leave you alone. Continue the conversation by asking what you just saw or imagined.
Once you have the luxury of face-to-face contact, let’s put an end to the stares and go out into the world together. Whether it’s a lively bar, a challenging fitness class or a raucous parade bystander, you’ll be amazed at the places you can foster conversation. Shouting out loud while minding the noise can be a bonding experience. However, do not choose: that too Distract — otherwise each will be in their own bubble of experience. It happened a few years ago while my husband and I were ziplining in the Catskill Mountains. It was fun, but in the end it was just the two of us practicing. I gave a report later.
There is a time and place for focused, if not focused, conversations. If a friend comes to you in danger, or your partner is in the middle of a love confession, even if you point out a man passing by with his pet macaw. , they probably won’t appreciate (yes, I’m glad I’ve seen this a few times in New York City as well). But for the most part, we can benefit from allowing a tiny bit of intrusion into the world.