Anonymous: Just do it. “Please respect when I say ‘no’ to a visit.”
If you can suggest a better date on the spot, do so, or suggest again within 24 hours. I don’t support their methods or boundary blindness at all, but I do wonder if they justify themselves just because the “good times” never materialized.
Of course, caving is not a good thing, but there is a reason for caving. Additionally, the only surefire way to stop your parents is to bar the door when they show up, but you don’t seem to have any intention of doing so.
So other options include: Say you need X weeks’ notice. To reserve a hotel. Omit “preparation” and warn of confusion accordingly. Maybe they’re this way for you, not to see perfectly stacked towels for your guests.
Find your line, articulate it, and hold it. kind.
While you wait for your therapist, try Voitz and Garner’s Life Skills for Adult Children. This is the limit for beginners.
Dear Carolyn: My wife has dementia and has been in a facility for several years. Her children rarely visit and her siblings and friends have never visited either.
For this reason, I don’t understand the point of holding a funeral or memorial service when she dies. Her children and her siblings disagree. I’m at a loss as to how to handle this.
At a loss: Sorry, what a lonely journey. People forget that visitation is important not only for the sick person but also for the caregiver.
But that is no reason to sanction her people by withholding service. If they want to celebrate her life, it can be healing for you too. And perhaps the people she didn’t visit will be grateful that they plan these events and “come” so you can focus on her care.
Ask your service’s most vocal supporters if they want to take the lead.
Destination: I’m confused: My mother-in-law recently passed away after suffering from Parkinson’s disease and dementia for several years. She rarely had visitors other than her husband. Her husband (her son) and I live far away and communicated primarily by phone or FaceTime.
Her funeral and memorial service were attended by friends and family who may not have visited her, but who shared many fond memories and stories from before she was diagnosed with dementia. It was held on. It ended up being a celebration of the life she lived and who she was apart from her illness.
If I were you, I would arrange the funeral and memorial service. Perhaps your wife is someone you care deeply about and would love to say goodbye to, even if it’s been years since you last saw her. Maybe that’s what your wife wanted before she got sick?
Northern Europe: That’s wonderful, thank you.
