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So, I’m back. And it’s true, I had a baby. I’ve been out for a month and have the chewed-up nipples to prove it. Eat your fill, Mayor Pete. I think that qualifies me to run the Department of Transportation. Speaking of transgender…any man who thinks he can become a woman by wearing a wig and a dress can’t be true. I was there when that baby came out, and no one can do that. You might as well put on a diaper and claim you’re either a baby or the president. But there’s nothing worse than a media person having a baby. And not only do you have to imagine them having sex, but they also have to imagine it as if they were the first to have sex, as if they had just invented having children. Behave.
CDC says guns are now the leading cause of death for children
That’s interesting. Just a few years ago, many new parents said having children was selfish. How could we bring in another mouth to feed billions of starving people? Then they have a child and suddenly their precious child becomes an exception. They went from hating children to having children they couldn’t wait to transition to. I am even more surprised that some mothers are so pro-abortion. It’s like becoming a biological Benedict Arnold. Because these mothers know that having children is the best thing for them. Besides ironing.
Says the sexist!
But rather than endure vilification from fellow diaper naysayers for pandering to the patriarchy, they encourage women to abort the one thing that gives their lives meaning. I am doing it. Besides watching this show, of course. So what is the male equivalent? Now, imagine a guy gets a Bronze Star and says it’s not worth it. Sorry, that’s all he remembers on his deathbed. Well, that and an orgy with the cast of The Facts of Life. Yes, Charlotte Rae really knew how to party. Yes, I liken motherhood to war.
The Science of Fatherhood: Why Fathers Matter
The women go on a nine-month mission, and by the end, they’re full of hormones and fatigue, and their PTSD looks like athlete’s foot. That’s why we should treat mothers like conquering heroes. But what about the message from most libraries? No kids. But if we do, it’s because our children are better than yours. Because in the media we act as if everything we do is more important. But does Uncle Frank, a plumber, think he has to take a month off every time his wife works? Please. The man had the plunger back in his hand three minutes after cutting the umbilical cord. Come to think of it, I feel like I brought a plunger with me when I gave birth, just in case.
So I’m not bragging. 7 billion people have experienced this. But if you’re shocked that I’m 60 and have a kid, imagine how I feel. When my wife told me she was pregnant, the first diaper she had to change was mine. It’s not easy, but it’s not earth-shaking either. The lesson I learned is how much we have to forget. So, throughout my life, I’ve learned how to be selfish, and it’s served me well in my career. But if it’s all about yourself, it’s not difficult to build a great career. There are exceptions. But if you work hard for 10 years, you can probably master any profession except porn, because after 5 years you’ll be old.
Just ask Trace Gallagher. He may be a silver fox, but once the carpet matches the curtains, you’re done. So becoming a parent at this age forces you to learn what many of you learned in your 20s, 30s, and 40s: you have to think about someone else. And for me, that’s difficult. My whole house has changed. Now someone else is sleeping in the bassinet. But a wise man told me: Once you have kids, you can’t regret what you did before then. Because changing the past means erasing the child’s potential. That might be why Alec Baldwin keeps having kids.
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That’s amazing. All of a sudden, I’ve been doing bad things for 60 years, but I don’t regret them at all. So here is my message to all men and women. If you regret your past, have a child. Yeah. Yeah. It’s easy. Almost anyone can do it. And in fact, children take care of themselves. Right now, my car is sitting outside in a double-parked car. Don’t worry. I rolled down the window.
